When I was in middle school I got this feeling I was going to die before I turned eighteen. I don’t know where this came from or why, but it stuck with me.
When I would ride in a car I would see glimpses of myself dying. I certainly trusted my dad when he drove but I would see cars run into ours and the torqued metal of the car door. I would hear the sound of screeching tires and feel the motion of the swaying car. I actually got this feeling and these glimpses every time I was on the road, so terrible to the point I would cry silently to myself and have to close my eyes.
I did have a concept of reality versus my states of rumination, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t feel all too real.
When I would take a shower I would see myself slip and …show more content…
When I emerge from out of the box, I am in a house or cabin in the snowy mountains and fog looms around us. I am in a room and in the room next to me is/are my kidnapper/s. I creep out of the box and escape the cabin. I can remember a large polar bear leading me down a safe direction across the peaks but a mountain lion or cougar follows. I know I cannot run any longer so I fall purposely and keep my body still and relaxed to let the animal maul me to my death.
Could my reasons for being so comfortable with death be due to my life history? Did I think I was better off dead?
The closest times I have been to death are when my great-grandmother died and when my mother tried boiling me in a bathtub. I don’t remember what happened with my mother but I distinctly remember locking myself in a closet when my great grandmother died. I was broken and distraught and frankly didn 't completely comprehend the finality of death until that point.
I have never had a close relationship with death but for a great span of my life I was fascinated and the same time terrified by it. While I don’t want this relationship to grow any stronger I do know I will not be afraid when it does. I spent too long saying my goodbyes and living every moment as if it were my …show more content…
I have been through many things in what people may consider extreme but I know I am quite lucky. I am and always will be lucky. Because I am not dead and I have a father who loves me. After I turned 18 the rest of my family alienated me so I guess my death was not of the body but of the soul.
Maybe devoting a good portion of my life to this fear and notion of sudden death did good on top of the bad. I reevaluated my relationships with my family and friends and expressed my love and gratitude more often.
One year for christmas I gifted everyone in my family boon books. In which everyone in my family writes a short paragraph on each person and why they love them. My entire family participated and in the end each had a book filled with everyone 's notes and love. This idea stemmed from me, again being afraid of not saying everything I wanted to say before I died. .
Not only did I express my love and gratitude more often but because of this notion I tried to stop worrying about frivolous and trivial things such as having having a lot of money or friends. I know the best reward I can get out of life is happiness. I sought out things that made me
When I would ride in a car I would see glimpses of myself dying. I certainly trusted my dad when he drove but I would see cars run into ours and the torqued metal of the car door. I would hear the sound of screeching tires and feel the motion of the swaying car. I actually got this feeling and these glimpses every time I was on the road, so terrible to the point I would cry silently to myself and have to close my eyes.
I did have a concept of reality versus my states of rumination, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t feel all too real.
When I would take a shower I would see myself slip and …show more content…
When I emerge from out of the box, I am in a house or cabin in the snowy mountains and fog looms around us. I am in a room and in the room next to me is/are my kidnapper/s. I creep out of the box and escape the cabin. I can remember a large polar bear leading me down a safe direction across the peaks but a mountain lion or cougar follows. I know I cannot run any longer so I fall purposely and keep my body still and relaxed to let the animal maul me to my death.
Could my reasons for being so comfortable with death be due to my life history? Did I think I was better off dead?
The closest times I have been to death are when my great-grandmother died and when my mother tried boiling me in a bathtub. I don’t remember what happened with my mother but I distinctly remember locking myself in a closet when my great grandmother died. I was broken and distraught and frankly didn 't completely comprehend the finality of death until that point.
I have never had a close relationship with death but for a great span of my life I was fascinated and the same time terrified by it. While I don’t want this relationship to grow any stronger I do know I will not be afraid when it does. I spent too long saying my goodbyes and living every moment as if it were my …show more content…
I have been through many things in what people may consider extreme but I know I am quite lucky. I am and always will be lucky. Because I am not dead and I have a father who loves me. After I turned 18 the rest of my family alienated me so I guess my death was not of the body but of the soul.
Maybe devoting a good portion of my life to this fear and notion of sudden death did good on top of the bad. I reevaluated my relationships with my family and friends and expressed my love and gratitude more often.
One year for christmas I gifted everyone in my family boon books. In which everyone in my family writes a short paragraph on each person and why they love them. My entire family participated and in the end each had a book filled with everyone 's notes and love. This idea stemmed from me, again being afraid of not saying everything I wanted to say before I died. .
Not only did I express my love and gratitude more often but because of this notion I tried to stop worrying about frivolous and trivial things such as having having a lot of money or friends. I know the best reward I can get out of life is happiness. I sought out things that made me