Glenn is a charming poet, as well as a bit of a womanizer. We like that he’s a “fish out of water” in his new world and the threat of discovery is fun. Clarify why he’s obsessed with Jessica. Show the audience what he learns about love. He does make a moral sacrifice for love.
Jessica is charming and quirky. The opening needs to be reworked regarding JP Morgan. She turns down his advances, but then seems to work with him or live at his resort. It’s a bit confusing. She’s extremely spunky. Jessica seems to have some trust issues (inner conflict), but one doesn’t know why. At the end learns to trust.
Glenn and Jessica share nice chemistry with each other, but it would be nice to see more initial conflict.
As mentioned, JP Morgan’s role as …show more content…
Their voices are consistent to each character and the dialogue reveals their individual personalities. However, at times, the dialogue sounds a bit contrived or on the nose.
The emotional premise or message that love is timeless is universal.
ADDITIONAL SPECIFIC NOTES:
Re-work the prologue and first act in terms of structure, pacing, and tone. The opening “prologue” from 1905 feels too long.
Clarify Jessica’s age.
The conversation on page 4 between Lee and Jessica is confusing. She just ID herself to him and then he seems to ask again, “Who’s Jessica.”
On page 5, Jessica repeats information that sounds on the nose, “Your boss, JP Morgan picked me out…”
Lee Struthers vs. Lee Shubert.
Set up Jean/Henry in the first act.
Not clear why Glenn has a vision of Jessica. The dialogue also sounds contrived or weak. “Glenn is something wrong?” “She’s reaching out to me…”
Consider cutting five years later – what’s the purpose?
On page 23, there’s too much …show more content…
Too much about the material, this takes up time and is distracting.
On page 57, typo, two consecutive Henry dialogue elements.
Good midpoint when they find lab.
There’s too much dialogue page 60
It’s not clear why Jessica is upset on page 73.
The pace feels slow (page 74).
Show more of Glenn’s struggle when he interacts with Sam, knowing he’s going to die. Show his struggle over telling him and changing destiny.
Cut dream by Louisa regarding the train crash.
CD’s and DVD’s feel old school if the year is 2015 or later.
Trim events and dialogue on page 96.
The dialogue on page 97/98 regarding the painting being there, sounds contrived.
Consider cutting the scene on page 100 about Pulitzer hiring Glenn.
On page 112, Jean’s dialogue about her own marriage proposal sounds out of place. On page 115, there’s too much; don’t need all the dialogue.
There are some minor formatting issues (capitalizing names, missing slug lines, small typos).
WRITER’S ABILITY
The writer is creative and imaginative.
The world of 1906 is authentic and comes to life.
The writer creates likable and colorful characters.
MARKETABILITY
Love stories are timeless.
The characters may attract talent.
Mainstream audience, mainly
Jessica is charming and quirky. The opening needs to be reworked regarding JP Morgan. She turns down his advances, but then seems to work with him or live at his resort. It’s a bit confusing. She’s extremely spunky. Jessica seems to have some trust issues (inner conflict), but one doesn’t know why. At the end learns to trust.
Glenn and Jessica share nice chemistry with each other, but it would be nice to see more initial conflict.
As mentioned, JP Morgan’s role as …show more content…
Their voices are consistent to each character and the dialogue reveals their individual personalities. However, at times, the dialogue sounds a bit contrived or on the nose.
The emotional premise or message that love is timeless is universal.
ADDITIONAL SPECIFIC NOTES:
Re-work the prologue and first act in terms of structure, pacing, and tone. The opening “prologue” from 1905 feels too long.
Clarify Jessica’s age.
The conversation on page 4 between Lee and Jessica is confusing. She just ID herself to him and then he seems to ask again, “Who’s Jessica.”
On page 5, Jessica repeats information that sounds on the nose, “Your boss, JP Morgan picked me out…”
Lee Struthers vs. Lee Shubert.
Set up Jean/Henry in the first act.
Not clear why Glenn has a vision of Jessica. The dialogue also sounds contrived or weak. “Glenn is something wrong?” “She’s reaching out to me…”
Consider cutting five years later – what’s the purpose?
On page 23, there’s too much …show more content…
Too much about the material, this takes up time and is distracting.
On page 57, typo, two consecutive Henry dialogue elements.
Good midpoint when they find lab.
There’s too much dialogue page 60
It’s not clear why Jessica is upset on page 73.
The pace feels slow (page 74).
Show more of Glenn’s struggle when he interacts with Sam, knowing he’s going to die. Show his struggle over telling him and changing destiny.
Cut dream by Louisa regarding the train crash.
CD’s and DVD’s feel old school if the year is 2015 or later.
Trim events and dialogue on page 96.
The dialogue on page 97/98 regarding the painting being there, sounds contrived.
Consider cutting the scene on page 100 about Pulitzer hiring Glenn.
On page 112, Jean’s dialogue about her own marriage proposal sounds out of place. On page 115, there’s too much; don’t need all the dialogue.
There are some minor formatting issues (capitalizing names, missing slug lines, small typos).
WRITER’S ABILITY
The writer is creative and imaginative.
The world of 1906 is authentic and comes to life.
The writer creates likable and colorful characters.
MARKETABILITY
Love stories are timeless.
The characters may attract talent.
Mainstream audience, mainly