Hi, Richard.
I agree with your analysis between both drafts. On the second draft of the essay "Can We Compete" by Katy Moreno, the thesis is now much more powerful and clear as it remains centered on the main idea. Furthermore, the addition of the new title gives the reader a better understanding of what the topic is about. Lastly the synthesizing of her mothers experience as a supportive detail is much improved. The overall structure of the body has improved. Like you said, she agrees and elaborates on why whit the addition of examples.
I agree with your analysis between both drafts. On the second draft of the essay "Can We Compete" by Katy Moreno, the thesis is now much more powerful and clear as it remains centered on the main idea. Furthermore, the addition of the new title gives the reader a better understanding of what the topic is about. Lastly the synthesizing of her mothers experience as a supportive detail is much improved. The overall structure of the body has improved. Like you said, she agrees and elaborates on why whit the addition of examples.