As I struggled to sweep the cobwebs from my ancient childhood memories to recall the precise instant that I became aware of what sex I was attracted to, I realized that I feel as if I have always inherently known that men were the source of my desire. Comparable to Stephen, I spent most of my juvenile years demonstrating tomboyish qualities; ecstatically participating in all forms of athletics, happily exploring the woods surrounding my godparents’ farm, emphatically loathing dresses, enthusiastically reading and expanding my education, and preferring boys as my playmates. Forced to pinpoint the one moment I knew the sex targeted by my attractions, it would probably be at ten-years-old when I viewed the “Jesse’s Girl” video for the first
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Feeling more comfortable in the company of boys, made me a bit of a social outcast, however, I had one niche I fit into, one area of acceptance, my attraction to boys. Growing up in the 70s and 80s, the onset of the AIDS epidemic in the United States was extensively covered on the news, an area of not just concern, but full-out alarm. Therefore, homosexuality had a dramatically different level of acceptance than currently, consequently, had I been a lesbian, my life would have been enormously impacted. Outside of the obvious aspects, not having my husband or children, I recognize I would be a much different person today. Given the level of acceptance, or lack of, at that time, it is quite probable I would have buried my sexual desires, not admitting my attraction to women leading to a life filled lies and deception, behaviors I pride myself on generally avoiding. Perhaps I would have been filled with self-loathing, as I struggled between filling the societal expectations of my attraction and my true identity, possibly becoming promiscuous, in an effort to demonstrate “normalcy”, attracted to men. Or possibly would have turned to drugs to dull the pain and confusion. Conceivably, I would have gotten married and had children, before admitting the truth to myself and the world, an experience of my best friend’s
Feeling more comfortable in the company of boys, made me a bit of a social outcast, however, I had one niche I fit into, one area of acceptance, my attraction to boys. Growing up in the 70s and 80s, the onset of the AIDS epidemic in the United States was extensively covered on the news, an area of not just concern, but full-out alarm. Therefore, homosexuality had a dramatically different level of acceptance than currently, consequently, had I been a lesbian, my life would have been enormously impacted. Outside of the obvious aspects, not having my husband or children, I recognize I would be a much different person today. Given the level of acceptance, or lack of, at that time, it is quite probable I would have buried my sexual desires, not admitting my attraction to women leading to a life filled lies and deception, behaviors I pride myself on generally avoiding. Perhaps I would have been filled with self-loathing, as I struggled between filling the societal expectations of my attraction and my true identity, possibly becoming promiscuous, in an effort to demonstrate “normalcy”, attracted to men. Or possibly would have turned to drugs to dull the pain and confusion. Conceivably, I would have gotten married and had children, before admitting the truth to myself and the world, an experience of my best friend’s