There are ways of being viewed that are the most isolating I know. Right now, it is knowing that I gained a reputation as the “slacker catholic” or “pseudo-catholic”. I am trying, though, from me trying isn’t enough anymore because people are tired of hearing the same reasons.
“Everything hurts.”
“I vomited most of the night.”
“I’m sick, again.”
I tried finding comfort in Scripture but what I found was more isolating than ever. The overwhelming feeling--the proof in words--that am being told I don’t belong. The proof that everything that has held together was just a fabrication of my lonely head; all the times I thought I felt I was being reassured, answered, directed, and told that I had worth was my mind protecting me. I guess if I believed that of all beings, I would survive one more day thinking He believed in me in the way I so desperately wanted someone to. That I would survive knowing I was never without someone who knew every part of me yet would still respond to me and help me believe that I was loved. …show more content…
No, it dowsed my little light, my hope and strength, and told me every memory that made up that light was false. Every memory of a voice saying words of love and protection; messages and answers found in everyday things; and every shred of that precious connection I thought was my gift was false. In everything I have read I have found words that have pushed me beyond panic and into a state of shocked hollowness. Those words told me that I was the Fool, and now? That connection, that knowing I will always find peace and answers, is
“Everything hurts.”
“I vomited most of the night.”
“I’m sick, again.”
I tried finding comfort in Scripture but what I found was more isolating than ever. The overwhelming feeling--the proof in words--that am being told I don’t belong. The proof that everything that has held together was just a fabrication of my lonely head; all the times I thought I felt I was being reassured, answered, directed, and told that I had worth was my mind protecting me. I guess if I believed that of all beings, I would survive one more day thinking He believed in me in the way I so desperately wanted someone to. That I would survive knowing I was never without someone who knew every part of me yet would still respond to me and help me believe that I was loved. …show more content…
No, it dowsed my little light, my hope and strength, and told me every memory that made up that light was false. Every memory of a voice saying words of love and protection; messages and answers found in everyday things; and every shred of that precious connection I thought was my gift was false. In everything I have read I have found words that have pushed me beyond panic and into a state of shocked hollowness. Those words told me that I was the Fool, and now? That connection, that knowing I will always find peace and answers, is