Trust has always been a major obstacle for me. Although I enjoy the company of others, I am never comfortable in trusting their motives. As far as depending on someone else to meet my needs that is difficult as well. I prefer to take care of myself in my own way never fully trusting someone to be there long-term. This type of isolation is not always satisfying but throughout my history trusting and closeness has proven to be unfruitful. As far as love partners are concerned, there have been many eligible suitors that I have shunned for fear of closeness and feelings of inadequacy. The ones that I do become involved with have avoidance issues or vices that make long-term commitments nearly impossible. Therefore, with the brief description
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The friendships that I did have were with women (girls) who exhibited unrestricted sociosexual orientation, and those relationships ended with the severity of accidental death or unfaithfulness. Some of these “friendships” seemed, at times, to be more of a cesspool of competitiveness and envy. I found no enjoyment in feeling that way but certain “friends” seemed to draw out those negative emotions. My focus seemed to be on comparing myself to every female with whom I had contact. To this day, I cannot say exactly if it was jealousy within them, something within myself or the mistrust of my romantic partner at that time. Truth be known, it was probably a rancorous combination of all three. Whatever the root, it seemed to be a tumultuous time of highs and lows with those ever present feelings of imminent threat. Those relationships followed no rules of equity, always my giving and their taking. There were healthy friendships that I encountered that I cherished and wished to cultivate but they moved out of …show more content…
Though I loved him dearly, I remember feeling dread when my stepfather would come into the house. Not that he was mean but very controlling and bossy. Fear was definitely a word that could describe any relationship with my father. He had a temper that was fierce. Mother was always busy. I read an article by Joyce Catlett from Psychalive.org that talked about children being forced to become self-sufficient to meet their own needs. She talked about parents not allowing children to express emotion and not being available to help the child with emotions of distress, fear, or pain (Catlett, 2009). For years, I have said the only emotion that our family was allowed to express growing up was anger, for every other emotion, we were admonished. Even this past Christmas at our family dinner we were silenced (and embarrassed) for laughing too long, at a simultaneous occurrence, while trying to get a group picture. It has always been a guessing game with my parents; I never know which side to expect when I interact with them, and most of my siblings are the same way. Therefore, it has created an avoidance and a mistrust, which as all of the studies indicate has a direct correlation to adult relationships. Without a secure base from which infants learn to venture from to explore their world confidently and no adult stand-in (Kendrick, Neuberg, & Cialdini, 2007), I have
The friendships that I did have were with women (girls) who exhibited unrestricted sociosexual orientation, and those relationships ended with the severity of accidental death or unfaithfulness. Some of these “friendships” seemed, at times, to be more of a cesspool of competitiveness and envy. I found no enjoyment in feeling that way but certain “friends” seemed to draw out those negative emotions. My focus seemed to be on comparing myself to every female with whom I had contact. To this day, I cannot say exactly if it was jealousy within them, something within myself or the mistrust of my romantic partner at that time. Truth be known, it was probably a rancorous combination of all three. Whatever the root, it seemed to be a tumultuous time of highs and lows with those ever present feelings of imminent threat. Those relationships followed no rules of equity, always my giving and their taking. There were healthy friendships that I encountered that I cherished and wished to cultivate but they moved out of …show more content…
Though I loved him dearly, I remember feeling dread when my stepfather would come into the house. Not that he was mean but very controlling and bossy. Fear was definitely a word that could describe any relationship with my father. He had a temper that was fierce. Mother was always busy. I read an article by Joyce Catlett from Psychalive.org that talked about children being forced to become self-sufficient to meet their own needs. She talked about parents not allowing children to express emotion and not being available to help the child with emotions of distress, fear, or pain (Catlett, 2009). For years, I have said the only emotion that our family was allowed to express growing up was anger, for every other emotion, we were admonished. Even this past Christmas at our family dinner we were silenced (and embarrassed) for laughing too long, at a simultaneous occurrence, while trying to get a group picture. It has always been a guessing game with my parents; I never know which side to expect when I interact with them, and most of my siblings are the same way. Therefore, it has created an avoidance and a mistrust, which as all of the studies indicate has a direct correlation to adult relationships. Without a secure base from which infants learn to venture from to explore their world confidently and no adult stand-in (Kendrick, Neuberg, & Cialdini, 2007), I have