RECOMMENDATION: 5 of 10. Needs a major rewrite for consideration.
CONCEPT: An innocent young jockey falls in love with an old horse. Same old horse racing story with an unnecessary twist.
LOGLINE: Patty runs away to become a jockey, but her dream job becomes a nightmare when she enjoys the limelight too much and forgets about how she became successful.
PLOT: Patty Williams’ home life propels her to escape an abusive father’s drunken rage, and runs away. She hopes on a bus to pursue a career as a horse jockey. She has had enough right crosses and verbal abuse from her father. She decide is to find a better life in the horse industry where her mother made her mark. Patty finds the farm that trained her mother and her luck changes. She finds …show more content…
The male character’s are weak because they never do the right thing until it’s too late. The characters lack morals and action that will irritate the audience to cause them to disengage from the …show more content…
Cut the first horse race scene and the many SERIES OF SHOTS sequences in the rewrite. Patty the main character has no conflict or obstacles in her way. She wins every race and her ride to stratum is way to easy. The character needs to be put through the ringer before she makes it to the big time. The audience will turn against her when everything goes south for her. One way to create more conflict is to insert a reveal female rider into the story. Also, her abusive father needs to be in the thought of the audience in every scene. He needs to be a thorn in her side. Making tones of trouble for her. In the second act the script takes an unnecessary trip down a drug and alcohol angle that doesn’t feel organic. It’s a poor attempt to create conflict in a poorly created second act. The story should be really about how Patty deals with her adduction while helping a older horse find his legs again to become a top racer. I’m not a horse race fan but there is a few issues that bothers me. First, Patty is 16 when the story starts and she becomes a jockey within a month. In the world of racing, I don’t think that is really. The second issue I noticed is that the character’s talked about a horse winning the Kentucky Derby thee times. The Kentucky Derby is for three-year-olds. The writer did not do enough research to understand horse racing and the history of horse racing. So, that’s a big reason why I would pass on this
CONCEPT: An innocent young jockey falls in love with an old horse. Same old horse racing story with an unnecessary twist.
LOGLINE: Patty runs away to become a jockey, but her dream job becomes a nightmare when she enjoys the limelight too much and forgets about how she became successful.
PLOT: Patty Williams’ home life propels her to escape an abusive father’s drunken rage, and runs away. She hopes on a bus to pursue a career as a horse jockey. She has had enough right crosses and verbal abuse from her father. She decide is to find a better life in the horse industry where her mother made her mark. Patty finds the farm that trained her mother and her luck changes. She finds …show more content…
The male character’s are weak because they never do the right thing until it’s too late. The characters lack morals and action that will irritate the audience to cause them to disengage from the …show more content…
Cut the first horse race scene and the many SERIES OF SHOTS sequences in the rewrite. Patty the main character has no conflict or obstacles in her way. She wins every race and her ride to stratum is way to easy. The character needs to be put through the ringer before she makes it to the big time. The audience will turn against her when everything goes south for her. One way to create more conflict is to insert a reveal female rider into the story. Also, her abusive father needs to be in the thought of the audience in every scene. He needs to be a thorn in her side. Making tones of trouble for her. In the second act the script takes an unnecessary trip down a drug and alcohol angle that doesn’t feel organic. It’s a poor attempt to create conflict in a poorly created second act. The story should be really about how Patty deals with her adduction while helping a older horse find his legs again to become a top racer. I’m not a horse race fan but there is a few issues that bothers me. First, Patty is 16 when the story starts and she becomes a jockey within a month. In the world of racing, I don’t think that is really. The second issue I noticed is that the character’s talked about a horse winning the Kentucky Derby thee times. The Kentucky Derby is for three-year-olds. The writer did not do enough research to understand horse racing and the history of horse racing. So, that’s a big reason why I would pass on this