Horoscopes; It’s written in the stars. Well, not literally written in the stars, that would be catastrophic and expensive (Especially since N.A.S.A. won’t blow up stars to spell ‘Horoscopes’ for a tenner)
Aries
Hopefully you’ll keep that temper in check today, after all, it won’t help you tonight. The countries that have issued orders for your arrest are around the corner. You know which corner. Maybe have a drink for good luck, but just get tap water, you’ll make everyone else jealous if you get something more extravagant.
Taurus
You’ve been going through some major ups and downs recently. Maybe you should get off the roller coaster. No? Well hopefully you’ll get off soon, today's the day that you change everything! Wait, no that’s not …show more content…
It’s noisy, and could alert others of your crime. Try to lure the messenger inside first. Make sure no one saw him come in and then choose something quieter than that gun. Perhaps choking them, or poison. You’ve really got to plan these things out and stop being so trigger happy, Virgo!
Libra
` You wanna make some fast cash? I don’t know, rob somebody. Credit card fraud. There’s loads of ways. Get out there.
Scorpio
How scared are you of scorpions, Scorpio? I mean, the stars are just asking. Like, are you super super super scared, because I can’t say for sure, but you seem pretty brave. Like, could you could handle a couple of scorpions? Even a bunch of scorpions? No reason. I’m just asking. For a friend.
Sagittarius
Stop worrying so much about carbon monoxide poisoning or explosions. You’re going to die of a heart problem or cancer, just like everyone else. Don’t think you’re special.
Capricorn
Today’s lucky number is imaginary! Coincidentally, so are you, and your entire experience and view of the world. Have fun with your existential crisis.
Aquarius
Your significant other popped out of existence again. It is difficult to say when they’ll be back. Perhaps take up drinking while crying into a bowl of your favorite ice cream. Maybe that will dull the pain for a while. That’s a very specific and painful horoscope. Thanks for nothing, stars!
Aries
Hopefully you’ll keep that temper in check today, after all, it won’t help you tonight. The countries that have issued orders for your arrest are around the corner. You know which corner. Maybe have a drink for good luck, but just get tap water, you’ll make everyone else jealous if you get something more extravagant.
Taurus
You’ve been going through some major ups and downs recently. Maybe you should get off the roller coaster. No? Well hopefully you’ll get off soon, today's the day that you change everything! Wait, no that’s not …show more content…
It’s noisy, and could alert others of your crime. Try to lure the messenger inside first. Make sure no one saw him come in and then choose something quieter than that gun. Perhaps choking them, or poison. You’ve really got to plan these things out and stop being so trigger happy, Virgo!
Libra
` You wanna make some fast cash? I don’t know, rob somebody. Credit card fraud. There’s loads of ways. Get out there.
Scorpio
How scared are you of scorpions, Scorpio? I mean, the stars are just asking. Like, are you super super super scared, because I can’t say for sure, but you seem pretty brave. Like, could you could handle a couple of scorpions? Even a bunch of scorpions? No reason. I’m just asking. For a friend.
Sagittarius
Stop worrying so much about carbon monoxide poisoning or explosions. You’re going to die of a heart problem or cancer, just like everyone else. Don’t think you’re special.
Capricorn
Today’s lucky number is imaginary! Coincidentally, so are you, and your entire experience and view of the world. Have fun with your existential crisis.
Aquarius
Your significant other popped out of existence again. It is difficult to say when they’ll be back. Perhaps take up drinking while crying into a bowl of your favorite ice cream. Maybe that will dull the pain for a while. That’s a very specific and painful horoscope. Thanks for nothing, stars!