TO BILLY: No. The piece is miscategorized-rather than being poetry, it reads as a piece of prose. It reads as unfinished and underdeveloped, in addition to having a multitude of spelling and grammatical errors as well.
First Reader’s Comments:
Specific Comments:
Pg1, P1, L1-2 - According to a Google search, “Hershey Park” is written as one word, so that it reads “Hersheypark”. I would recommend making that change in this line, as well as in its reoccurrence in the following lines/following lines.
Pg1, P1, L3-4 - I love how you establish the background to this story in a concise and effective manner. The sentiment of not wanting to leave is incredibly relatable as a reader, as well. Nice job!
Pg1, P1, L4 - Just a quick spelling nitpick …show more content…
Pg1, P1, L6 - In my opinion, the phrase “for home” is unnecessary as you have already mentioned earlier in the paragraph how after leaving Hersheypark, the family is going to return home. Thus, I propose removing the phrase “for home” and ending the sentence after “leave”.
Pg1, P2, L1 - Because “as we got on the ride” is a dependent clause, and it is followed by an independent clause, there should be a comma after the word “ride” and before “we” in order to correctly grammatically connect the two …show more content…
Pg1, P2, L4 - Just a quick tense correction - because the narrator is referring to the state of events that are still continuing into the present, the past present tense should be used, rather than the past tense in this line. As a result, the phrase should read “had enjoyed” rather than “enjoyed”.
Pg1, P4 - Because the phrase “you idiot” acts as an appositive phrase, there should be commas around it. Also, I recommend separating the word “idiot” and “there”, as those seem to be separate ideas. As a result, the line would read as follows: [“How could you not empty your pockets, you idiot! There were signs everywhere!” My mom exclaimed.]
Pg1, P5, L3 - The word “where” seems largely unnecessary in this line, as I feel as though the same meaning is conveyed without its utilization. I recommend reading this line aloud and seeing if you feel the same
First Reader’s Comments:
Specific Comments:
Pg1, P1, L1-2 - According to a Google search, “Hershey Park” is written as one word, so that it reads “Hersheypark”. I would recommend making that change in this line, as well as in its reoccurrence in the following lines/following lines.
Pg1, P1, L3-4 - I love how you establish the background to this story in a concise and effective manner. The sentiment of not wanting to leave is incredibly relatable as a reader, as well. Nice job!
Pg1, P1, L4 - Just a quick spelling nitpick …show more content…
Pg1, P1, L6 - In my opinion, the phrase “for home” is unnecessary as you have already mentioned earlier in the paragraph how after leaving Hersheypark, the family is going to return home. Thus, I propose removing the phrase “for home” and ending the sentence after “leave”.
Pg1, P2, L1 - Because “as we got on the ride” is a dependent clause, and it is followed by an independent clause, there should be a comma after the word “ride” and before “we” in order to correctly grammatically connect the two …show more content…
Pg1, P2, L4 - Just a quick tense correction - because the narrator is referring to the state of events that are still continuing into the present, the past present tense should be used, rather than the past tense in this line. As a result, the phrase should read “had enjoyed” rather than “enjoyed”.
Pg1, P4 - Because the phrase “you idiot” acts as an appositive phrase, there should be commas around it. Also, I recommend separating the word “idiot” and “there”, as those seem to be separate ideas. As a result, the line would read as follows: [“How could you not empty your pockets, you idiot! There were signs everywhere!” My mom exclaimed.]
Pg1, P5, L3 - The word “where” seems largely unnecessary in this line, as I feel as though the same meaning is conveyed without its utilization. I recommend reading this line aloud and seeing if you feel the same