TO BILLY: Yes. The writing style is mature and concise, and the disparities the author draws through imagery are constructed very well. However, there are a few unclear images and sections of the poem that would have to be remedied before the poem is taken into further consideration.
First Reader’s Comments:
Specific Comments:
S2, L1-2 - I am confused by the imagery that you are trying to create in these two lines. They do not seem to connect with each other, as a new idea seems to begin with “broken doors”. I recommend further elaborating on the idea of “nail polish” as it does not seem to connect to any specific image -including the following image- of the stanza. However, I do like the idea of “nail polish” as it is something that can chip away over time, much like the relationship between the narrator and the “boys of [her] youth”. …show more content…
I feel as though it halts the flow of the poem. In order to better reflect the earlier flow of the poem I would recommend changing the word “eyeball”; one potentially replacement could be “eyes”. I recommend reading this line aloud and seeing what you think sounds best!
S2, L6-7 - I really like the contrast between the fire of the present compared with the calmer, water of the youth. It adds to the disparity that you are drawing between the two time frames in a subtle, yet effective manner - nice job! However, I also feel as though the image comes across as confusing in these two lines, and would recommend further developing it.
S3, L2 - In my opinion, I feel as though a semi-colon would better be utilized in this line than a comma. A semi-colon can be used to separate two ideas, even if they are similar to each other, whereas a comma seems to drag on the line. I feel as though a semi-colon could be used between “closet” and “it” rather than a comma, but it’s all up to
First Reader’s Comments:
Specific Comments:
S2, L1-2 - I am confused by the imagery that you are trying to create in these two lines. They do not seem to connect with each other, as a new idea seems to begin with “broken doors”. I recommend further elaborating on the idea of “nail polish” as it does not seem to connect to any specific image -including the following image- of the stanza. However, I do like the idea of “nail polish” as it is something that can chip away over time, much like the relationship between the narrator and the “boys of [her] youth”. …show more content…
I feel as though it halts the flow of the poem. In order to better reflect the earlier flow of the poem I would recommend changing the word “eyeball”; one potentially replacement could be “eyes”. I recommend reading this line aloud and seeing what you think sounds best!
S2, L6-7 - I really like the contrast between the fire of the present compared with the calmer, water of the youth. It adds to the disparity that you are drawing between the two time frames in a subtle, yet effective manner - nice job! However, I also feel as though the image comes across as confusing in these two lines, and would recommend further developing it.
S3, L2 - In my opinion, I feel as though a semi-colon would better be utilized in this line than a comma. A semi-colon can be used to separate two ideas, even if they are similar to each other, whereas a comma seems to drag on the line. I feel as though a semi-colon could be used between “closet” and “it” rather than a comma, but it’s all up to