THE BIRDIE MACHINE is a sports comedy driven by solid themes about money, greed, happiness, and making the right life choices. The protagonist is faced with strong moral choices when he has the opportunity to make good money if he can convince his friend to throw a golf game. The situation grows out of control and he has to find a way out of it.
The plot idea has merit and is a nice setup for comedy, conflict, and character transformation. The goal is clear.
With that said, the script would benefit from further development.
The structure can be strengthened. The story opens with a scene that takes place in the present day storyline and then the script transitions back to four years earlier. Reconsider this structure. In the opening scene, …show more content…
He’s believable, but there’s room to elevate his threats (especially if Arlo has more at risk).
Dick has the potential of being a good comedic, sidekick character. The idea that he’s protesting for environmental reasons is smart (although it’s unclear if he’s really is). However, he needs to be a consistent character throughout the plot and used in the third act.
Boomer is one of the most developed characters. He’s a professional player seeking a second chance at redemption. He also could be the protagonist if restructured. He has motivation to return to the game and one can envision his struggle with throwing the game vs. his second chance. Make sure Boomer doesn’t overshadow Arlo.
There does come a time when Arlo feels as if he’s missing and not driving the plot forward.
The dialogue reveals information about the characters. However, some of the comedic dialogue doesn’t, unfortunately, work or sound natural.
Some of the jokes feel or sound forced. For example, on page 11, Boomer says: “I’d rather be fucked in the ass by a bus…” This may not be considered funny. The Kim Kardashain joke doesn’t necessarily sound comedic. Some of the things that Arlo says make him less likable, such as: “Do not promise this girl you won’t come in her mouth.” This makes him sound really immature. The Geoff jokes/comedy seems exaggerated and a bit
The plot idea has merit and is a nice setup for comedy, conflict, and character transformation. The goal is clear.
With that said, the script would benefit from further development.
The structure can be strengthened. The story opens with a scene that takes place in the present day storyline and then the script transitions back to four years earlier. Reconsider this structure. In the opening scene, …show more content…
He’s believable, but there’s room to elevate his threats (especially if Arlo has more at risk).
Dick has the potential of being a good comedic, sidekick character. The idea that he’s protesting for environmental reasons is smart (although it’s unclear if he’s really is). However, he needs to be a consistent character throughout the plot and used in the third act.
Boomer is one of the most developed characters. He’s a professional player seeking a second chance at redemption. He also could be the protagonist if restructured. He has motivation to return to the game and one can envision his struggle with throwing the game vs. his second chance. Make sure Boomer doesn’t overshadow Arlo.
There does come a time when Arlo feels as if he’s missing and not driving the plot forward.
The dialogue reveals information about the characters. However, some of the comedic dialogue doesn’t, unfortunately, work or sound natural.
Some of the jokes feel or sound forced. For example, on page 11, Boomer says: “I’d rather be fucked in the ass by a bus…” This may not be considered funny. The Kim Kardashain joke doesn’t necessarily sound comedic. Some of the things that Arlo says make him less likable, such as: “Do not promise this girl you won’t come in her mouth.” This makes him sound really immature. The Geoff jokes/comedy seems exaggerated and a bit