I have always been more of an observer than a participant. I think that it is the reason I am quite perceptive with people—I do my best to see them, beyond the masks that they put on for the world.
It was this perception that motivated me from a young age. I grew up quiet, watching as my mother worried and cried for my sisters, who went down darker paths, dropping out of college and spending an increasing amount of time with bad influences. I understood, even then, that I didn’t ever want to cause that kind of stress to my mother. That was my initial motivation to work hard in school.
This backfired though. My education seemed to revolve around perceived success, measured by GPAs and standardized test scores rather than actual knowledge. It …show more content…
I began stimulating myself more intellectually by joining more clubs, pursuing my interests with vigor, and consuming large amounts of classic literature. More importantly, I began a duel with my most formidable opponent: my own doubts. After all, if I did not let myself do demanding, seemingly daunting tasks was I doing myself a disservice? Was I spitting into my own face by not taking the most out of life and being an observer?
My inexperience, in comparison to others, irked me to no end. Everyone seemed to have done so much more—they seemed to be so much more. I wanted to yell from rooftops, “I have complex thoughts and emotions and stories! Get to know me! I am worth it!”
And so I did. I yelled and flailed my arms and even cried a little in my backyard, and slowly, I began to feel lighter—clean of my insecurities. I came to realize that being an observer isn’t a bad thing. Perhaps I am not the most adventurous person, but I am doing my best to live life to the best of my ability. I no longer resent myself for not doing reckless things. I know I treat people kindly, and I know I challenge myself on a daily basis. That is who I am. I am no longer brought down by comparisons to the people I choose to observe with
It was this perception that motivated me from a young age. I grew up quiet, watching as my mother worried and cried for my sisters, who went down darker paths, dropping out of college and spending an increasing amount of time with bad influences. I understood, even then, that I didn’t ever want to cause that kind of stress to my mother. That was my initial motivation to work hard in school.
This backfired though. My education seemed to revolve around perceived success, measured by GPAs and standardized test scores rather than actual knowledge. It …show more content…
I began stimulating myself more intellectually by joining more clubs, pursuing my interests with vigor, and consuming large amounts of classic literature. More importantly, I began a duel with my most formidable opponent: my own doubts. After all, if I did not let myself do demanding, seemingly daunting tasks was I doing myself a disservice? Was I spitting into my own face by not taking the most out of life and being an observer?
My inexperience, in comparison to others, irked me to no end. Everyone seemed to have done so much more—they seemed to be so much more. I wanted to yell from rooftops, “I have complex thoughts and emotions and stories! Get to know me! I am worth it!”
And so I did. I yelled and flailed my arms and even cried a little in my backyard, and slowly, I began to feel lighter—clean of my insecurities. I came to realize that being an observer isn’t a bad thing. Perhaps I am not the most adventurous person, but I am doing my best to live life to the best of my ability. I no longer resent myself for not doing reckless things. I know I treat people kindly, and I know I challenge myself on a daily basis. That is who I am. I am no longer brought down by comparisons to the people I choose to observe with