CATERPILLARS presents as a character-driven journey of self-discovery and healing. The plot concept about a terminally ill man going on a quest of soul searching has merit. The script provides many insightful moments.
The plot is driven by themes about healing, reconnecting, living, and dying. The tone is dramatic and inspirational. The goal is internal and emotional with the hope of finding enlightenment. The stakes are personal. There’s an organic ticking clock. The protagonist Josh, dying from cancer, races his own personal clock against death to get to the top of the mountain. The summit of the mountain represents his completion of life.
The story is told with nice subtext and symbolism. The theme of life and death is well conveyed …show more content…
Consider making the brothers a bit more resistant to each other. Kiran has abandonment issues and Josh challenges him. Kiran is afraid of being abandoned, so it would make sense that he only expects to see Josh for a day and they would then go their separate ways. Instead, right now, he invites Josh to stay with him, which seems out of character. Consider the idea that they go to the fight, win money, but then are jumped or robbed or swindled out of the money, including Josh’s money, leaving him destitute. Now Kiran feels obligated towards Josh. This will also help elevate the tension.
In addition, motive Josh to be more centered and focused on his goal of climbing the mountain. This will create a natural ticking clock and plot driven story. Right now, the pace does feel a bit slow. The scenes with the girls can be tightened. Josh can be a bit more resistant (to the girls) because he has an objective to achieve. Give Josh a stronger sense of urgency to get to his mountain. Kiran is his “obstacle” to getting to the mountain, as well as his cancer. All along the way, make sure there is something stopping or hindering his …show more content…
It does feel a bit awkward not to have any dialogue in the opening visuals on the first page.
Try to pay off the passage about the Ocean Goddess and the Sky God (lovely piece of dialogue).
Tighten some of the dialogue with the girls.
Avoid repetitive dialogue: “This better be worth it,” and “This better be good.” Both sound the same. Consider cutting Kiran’s dialogue: “Remembered? You’ve been here before?” This question sounds un-natural. Also, consider cutting: “Finish what?” Kiran isn’t that naive.
Using the VO technique at the end when he discovers Josh has died feels awkward. Just let him speak out-loud.
The ending is moving and personally intense with the falling of Kiran and then the avalanche. The idea that Josh still wants to climb the peak is well executed. The visual of the brothers sitting side by side is well crafted, as is the heartfelt and poignant image of lifeless Josh. The butterflies convey that Josh has moved on, he has reached Nirvana, and there is hope.
The sweater that Josh was knitting now being worn by Kiran, as he reconnects to his daughter, is a wonderful and touching payoff.
The script would make for a lovely and inspirational
The plot is driven by themes about healing, reconnecting, living, and dying. The tone is dramatic and inspirational. The goal is internal and emotional with the hope of finding enlightenment. The stakes are personal. There’s an organic ticking clock. The protagonist Josh, dying from cancer, races his own personal clock against death to get to the top of the mountain. The summit of the mountain represents his completion of life.
The story is told with nice subtext and symbolism. The theme of life and death is well conveyed …show more content…
Consider making the brothers a bit more resistant to each other. Kiran has abandonment issues and Josh challenges him. Kiran is afraid of being abandoned, so it would make sense that he only expects to see Josh for a day and they would then go their separate ways. Instead, right now, he invites Josh to stay with him, which seems out of character. Consider the idea that they go to the fight, win money, but then are jumped or robbed or swindled out of the money, including Josh’s money, leaving him destitute. Now Kiran feels obligated towards Josh. This will also help elevate the tension.
In addition, motive Josh to be more centered and focused on his goal of climbing the mountain. This will create a natural ticking clock and plot driven story. Right now, the pace does feel a bit slow. The scenes with the girls can be tightened. Josh can be a bit more resistant (to the girls) because he has an objective to achieve. Give Josh a stronger sense of urgency to get to his mountain. Kiran is his “obstacle” to getting to the mountain, as well as his cancer. All along the way, make sure there is something stopping or hindering his …show more content…
It does feel a bit awkward not to have any dialogue in the opening visuals on the first page.
Try to pay off the passage about the Ocean Goddess and the Sky God (lovely piece of dialogue).
Tighten some of the dialogue with the girls.
Avoid repetitive dialogue: “This better be worth it,” and “This better be good.” Both sound the same. Consider cutting Kiran’s dialogue: “Remembered? You’ve been here before?” This question sounds un-natural. Also, consider cutting: “Finish what?” Kiran isn’t that naive.
Using the VO technique at the end when he discovers Josh has died feels awkward. Just let him speak out-loud.
The ending is moving and personally intense with the falling of Kiran and then the avalanche. The idea that Josh still wants to climb the peak is well executed. The visual of the brothers sitting side by side is well crafted, as is the heartfelt and poignant image of lifeless Josh. The butterflies convey that Josh has moved on, he has reached Nirvana, and there is hope.
The sweater that Josh was knitting now being worn by Kiran, as he reconnects to his daughter, is a wonderful and touching payoff.
The script would make for a lovely and inspirational