Bernie Sander Speech

Bernie Sanders supporters were shocked yesterday when Jesus Christ appeared on the O’reilly Factor to put an end to any comparisons between himself and the democratic candidate. “I like Bernie, but people have this misconception of me as a socialist” Jesus told O’Reilly , “and that couldn’t be farther from the truth” Indeed, Jesus - who sometimes puts out mixtapes under the nickname Me$$iah Money - points to all of the merchandise bearing his likeness as proof that he supports capitalism.
“Everytime someone buys a cross or a WWJD bracelet, I get a cut” said Jesus, “Anytime you slap one of those Jesus fish bumper stickers on your car you’re making me rich.The almighty father ain’t got nothin’ on the almighty dollar!”
Jesus was also quick to dispel the notion that he was big on charity “People send me prayers asking me to cure their Grandmother’s cancer or feed their starving children all the time” said Christ, “ and I’m always like ‘What do I look like Hershel the Handout Heeb? Get a job and buy your own daddamn cancer meds and food!’ l mean, I’m sorry but haven’t these people ever heard that God helps those who help themselves?” …show more content…
“Sometimes a person will ask me to bless their favorite football team and I’ll be a nice guy and do it for them” said Jesus with a wink, “but only after placing a sizable bet on the winning