To start off, the way she introduces herself for the commencement speech lacks the professionalism of an experienced public speaker. This would be fine to do on special occasions, like an impromptu speech at a family gathering of some sort, however, this is a speech reflecting one’s academic excellence. Barbara begins her first body paragraph with, “Thank you so much to all of you guys who are important out there.” This isn’t necessarily a bad way to start a speech off, but it would have been better if Barbara chose to thank whoever introduces her on stage (most likely the principal or dean).
In the following paragraphs, Barbara includes vague details in her stories that don’t particularly represent what this speech should represent. This …show more content…
An example of this would be when she says, “When I got married, which was a really big deal to me, I did it for lots of reasons. But one of the really big reasons was because my husband made me laugh.” This could be reworded to, “Another meaningful moment in my life was when I got married. I did it for many reasons, however, the most decisive factor was the joy I felt whenever my husband made me laugh.” This would best way to capture the audience's emotional appeal, which will insure the highest potential for positive feedback. One of Barbara’s strengths in her speech comes from the positive message she is giving throughout each body paragraph. Some examples include: being true to yourself, finding things you enjoy in life, and spending your time with the people you care about. These are all beneficial to a speech that is on the reflecting onto one’s life, because you are sharing your ideals with the audience. Lastly, Barbara should remove statements that could potentially offend people within her speech. An example of this is in the final paragraph, she states “...you should still put your children first, if you have them.” This is a distasteful statement to make for the occasion, and would be better left out
In the following paragraphs, Barbara includes vague details in her stories that don’t particularly represent what this speech should represent. This …show more content…
An example of this would be when she says, “When I got married, which was a really big deal to me, I did it for lots of reasons. But one of the really big reasons was because my husband made me laugh.” This could be reworded to, “Another meaningful moment in my life was when I got married. I did it for many reasons, however, the most decisive factor was the joy I felt whenever my husband made me laugh.” This would best way to capture the audience's emotional appeal, which will insure the highest potential for positive feedback. One of Barbara’s strengths in her speech comes from the positive message she is giving throughout each body paragraph. Some examples include: being true to yourself, finding things you enjoy in life, and spending your time with the people you care about. These are all beneficial to a speech that is on the reflecting onto one’s life, because you are sharing your ideals with the audience. Lastly, Barbara should remove statements that could potentially offend people within her speech. An example of this is in the final paragraph, she states “...you should still put your children first, if you have them.” This is a distasteful statement to make for the occasion, and would be better left out