Appendix Removal

875 Words 4 Pages
Appendix Removal

WARNING: PLEASE DO NOT ACTUALLY TRY AND REMOVE YOUR FRIEND 'S APPENDIX, THIS IS MORE OF A JOKE. I PROMISE YOU, I 'M PROBABLY FORGETTING SOME IMPORTANT THINGS. With that being said, let’s begin. All of a sudden, your friend being his/her non-stop complaining of lower abdominal pain, chills, fever, and a little (which means a lot) vomiting. After a few minutes of hearing them wail and moan, you decide to do something about it. After some searching on WebMD.com and MayoClinic.org, you conclude that it has to be, without a reasonable doubt, appendicitis. Who needs a doctor when you have the 21st century? After more questionable searching on the dark web, and a little memorization of steps; you prepare your materials. These
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Take that liquor and have a shot, or several... you earned them, and depending on how squeamish you are you may need them. For these next steps you get to finally use some of those materials, grab the liquor or roofies, and the knife. Now that your friend is in the middle of the room and marked up, it’s time to get your hands dirty... almost. Feed them the roofies, I know this sounds horrible and extremely illegal, but it’s for the greater good of your friend. Once, they fall asleep, put the gloves on (safety first), shave them if necessary, and then clean the shaved region. Here’s the best part, the cut. Take the kitchen knife, or scalpel for my wanna be doctors, and follow the sharpie outline with it. (Here’s another important lesson: dealing with blood may cause contamination which may leave you susceptible to some serious diseases.) After that’s done, dig your hands in there and feel around for the appendix, it should feel like a slimy tail.. Maybe even a long lima bean, I don’t know, I’m not a real doctor. Okay, so if their appendix looks somewhat swollen or puffy (do you remember the rule to figure out if something is swollen? Press it lightly and see if it leaves a mark, if it does. It’s swollen), please continue… if not, take that sewing kit and stitch your friend back up. For those that choose to continue, grab some thread from that sewing kit. Tie it around the end of the appendix, make sure it’s tight and just underneath the swelling (the part that’s closer to the intestine) and take some scissors, or a knife, and cut it (the appendix) off. What you choose to do with the severed appendix is your choice, but I suggest putting it in that empty mason jar you have lying around. And voila! You’re 99.98% of the way done, the only thing left is the hard work.. You know, besides moving a body and stealing an organ without accidentally killing them. To begin ending this train wreck of a surgery, you MUST

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