Out in the animal kingdom, there were only three ways to defend ourselves:
fight flight freeze
Let's look at freeze first: have you ever had it happen where something unexpected happens and your mind goes blank, you can't think of a thing to say. You'll find that in those few seconds that your mind is blank you also cannot move a muscle.
This was a great defence mechanism out in the animal world when we faced a sabre-tooth tiger - we knew we couldn't fight it and live. We knew we couldn't out run it. So we froze, hoping it wouldn't see us.
(OK this is just kind of funny. There you are, sitting at your desk, and someone comes storming up to your desk having a temper tantrum and your mind goes blank, you can't think of a thing to say - you …show more content…
Your two-year-old is standing in front of you and you are really, really angry at her. How can we find this little itsy-bitsy person dangerous? And yet we've all done it (or is that just me?!) Our safety brains go too far. What about your mother-in-law from hell; how can you find her dangerous? (OH YEAH, that's different! NO it's not - but it might take longer to get there!)
If your difficult person gets along with others, even one or two others, but not you, what is this saying? That there is something in his relationship with you that isn't safe! Here's the other side of the coin! If you find this person difficult and others get along with him fine, then there is something in the relationship that isn't safe for you!
What is anger? Anger is NOT an Emotion (that's the title of my first best-seller) because it's true. The emotion is FEAR and anger is our need to attack someone (sometimes that someone is ourselves) to get safe. And it is physical. It's our attack. And anger is a continuum: from the least little bit of annoyance... through frustration... irritation... anger... right through the blackest rage, we are talking the same thing. The trigger emotion is fear and the anger itself, however great or small, is our physical action (or need) to attack.
And maybe you're thinking that "Nope, when I'm angry, I don't feel scared I don't have any fear, he's just a
fight flight freeze
Let's look at freeze first: have you ever had it happen where something unexpected happens and your mind goes blank, you can't think of a thing to say. You'll find that in those few seconds that your mind is blank you also cannot move a muscle.
This was a great defence mechanism out in the animal world when we faced a sabre-tooth tiger - we knew we couldn't fight it and live. We knew we couldn't out run it. So we froze, hoping it wouldn't see us.
(OK this is just kind of funny. There you are, sitting at your desk, and someone comes storming up to your desk having a temper tantrum and your mind goes blank, you can't think of a thing to say - you …show more content…
Your two-year-old is standing in front of you and you are really, really angry at her. How can we find this little itsy-bitsy person dangerous? And yet we've all done it (or is that just me?!) Our safety brains go too far. What about your mother-in-law from hell; how can you find her dangerous? (OH YEAH, that's different! NO it's not - but it might take longer to get there!)
If your difficult person gets along with others, even one or two others, but not you, what is this saying? That there is something in his relationship with you that isn't safe! Here's the other side of the coin! If you find this person difficult and others get along with him fine, then there is something in the relationship that isn't safe for you!
What is anger? Anger is NOT an Emotion (that's the title of my first best-seller) because it's true. The emotion is FEAR and anger is our need to attack someone (sometimes that someone is ourselves) to get safe. And it is physical. It's our attack. And anger is a continuum: from the least little bit of annoyance... through frustration... irritation... anger... right through the blackest rage, we are talking the same thing. The trigger emotion is fear and the anger itself, however great or small, is our physical action (or need) to attack.
And maybe you're thinking that "Nope, when I'm angry, I don't feel scared I don't have any fear, he's just a