TANZANITE GEMS is an original dark comedy crime tale. The script presents with an original voice and provides for an entertaining time. The goal is clear and the stakes have the potential to be fairly high. There are solid themes about loyalty and trust.
With that said, the script would benefit from further development in the areas of the structure, the pace, tension, and character development.
One of the first concerns is identifying the main protagonist. The story opens with Eddie and Danny and they appear to be the central protagonists. However, unfortunately, neither Danny nor Eddie makes for a compelling protagonist and they don’t always drive the story. Initially, Eddie seems to be the more mature one and the leader, but when he’s arrested, …show more content…
They have a problem, they come up with a plan, it fails, and they come up with another plan. They also should show character growth at the end.
The structure could benefit from more development. The pace at times feels slow. The opening at the diner features heavy dialogue that goes on too long. The inciting event is when they realize their targets are gone. The goal to find the briefcase drives the plot.
There are some obstacles that the main characters have to overcome like the twins, the police, and running out of gas. Eddie being arrest is pivotal plot beat, however, this is also where the story loses credibility. It’s not believable that they would let Danny go. Even if they thought he was a hostage (unlikely), he would be brought down to the police for questioning. Remember, they shot a cop. They just don’t let a “witness” go without checking him out and interrogating him.
The rival gang adds another layer of conflict. The reveal that the waitress was the “drop” isn’t a big twist (if it’s supposed to be a twist) because the audience has guessed this a long time ago.
The third act climax-battle offers a major gunfight. Danny makes a moral sacrifice to save Jenny by protecting her. It’s a small character …show more content…
There are quips about excessive force and BLM, but it’s not organically funny because it feels forced versus natural. The joke about AIDS isn’t considered humorous. Even the “small dick” jokes feel outdated and immature. Try to elevate the humor to be more sophisticated. Granted, humor is subjective.
Also, consider if it’s the best tone or not. While it’s a showcase for the writer’s talent to write sharp dialogue, the audience expecting a true crime thriller will not be satisfied and the audience expecting a true comedy may not feel satisfied.
SUMMARY & MARKETING
Identify the main protagonist and develop them. They should have an external goal, inner conflict, and character growth. They also should have something at stakes. Kenadee would make for a compelling protagonist, but the script would have to be restructured to introduce her earlier and to develop her more.
Make sure the protagonist drives the plot.
Enhance the pace by trimming the dialogue.
Make sure the story events are credible.
Elevate the stakes for the protagonist in the third
With that said, the script would benefit from further development in the areas of the structure, the pace, tension, and character development.
One of the first concerns is identifying the main protagonist. The story opens with Eddie and Danny and they appear to be the central protagonists. However, unfortunately, neither Danny nor Eddie makes for a compelling protagonist and they don’t always drive the story. Initially, Eddie seems to be the more mature one and the leader, but when he’s arrested, …show more content…
They have a problem, they come up with a plan, it fails, and they come up with another plan. They also should show character growth at the end.
The structure could benefit from more development. The pace at times feels slow. The opening at the diner features heavy dialogue that goes on too long. The inciting event is when they realize their targets are gone. The goal to find the briefcase drives the plot.
There are some obstacles that the main characters have to overcome like the twins, the police, and running out of gas. Eddie being arrest is pivotal plot beat, however, this is also where the story loses credibility. It’s not believable that they would let Danny go. Even if they thought he was a hostage (unlikely), he would be brought down to the police for questioning. Remember, they shot a cop. They just don’t let a “witness” go without checking him out and interrogating him.
The rival gang adds another layer of conflict. The reveal that the waitress was the “drop” isn’t a big twist (if it’s supposed to be a twist) because the audience has guessed this a long time ago.
The third act climax-battle offers a major gunfight. Danny makes a moral sacrifice to save Jenny by protecting her. It’s a small character …show more content…
There are quips about excessive force and BLM, but it’s not organically funny because it feels forced versus natural. The joke about AIDS isn’t considered humorous. Even the “small dick” jokes feel outdated and immature. Try to elevate the humor to be more sophisticated. Granted, humor is subjective.
Also, consider if it’s the best tone or not. While it’s a showcase for the writer’s talent to write sharp dialogue, the audience expecting a true crime thriller will not be satisfied and the audience expecting a true comedy may not feel satisfied.
SUMMARY & MARKETING
Identify the main protagonist and develop them. They should have an external goal, inner conflict, and character growth. They also should have something at stakes. Kenadee would make for a compelling protagonist, but the script would have to be restructured to introduce her earlier and to develop her more.
Make sure the protagonist drives the plot.
Enhance the pace by trimming the dialogue.
Make sure the story events are credible.
Elevate the stakes for the protagonist in the third