Personal Narrative: But Now I Face It All Alone

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But Now I Face It All Alone

On a fateful winter night on January 31, 2007, I sat silently inside my car contemplating how I could ever enter my home to face my loving husband of 22 years. It was only forty-five minutes earlier that I received a tearful phone call from J.P. Unable to express himself, after returning from his doctor’s appointment, I said that I would be home immediately. Without a shadow of a doubt, I knew that J.P had terminal cancer.

Over the next seven years, J.P. was receiving on average chemotherapy every 6 months. Two bone marrow transplants were critical to extending his life. To capitalize on maximizing his health J.P. remained physically active, eating a well-balanced diet, and actually improving his heart and lung
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I spoke to the Levels Coordinator of Beginning Experience who directed me to their Website. It was towards the end of May 2014, that I began the Walk and Talk program with Beginning Experience, and continuing in the fall with their Coping program. Upon completing the Coping program, I received an invitation from the Concordia Hospital to attend their grief counseling. The counseling was on a professional level and very informative.

At times during these healing programs, I was experiencing the feeling of frustration and confusion. I was driven to get through my healing process as quickly as I could. Consequently, I was anticipating into the future how I would feel, without being fully healed. I was projecting my present emotional state into the future unintentionally. This was not healthy, as I was still feeling vulnerable feelings resulting with discouragement. I was catapulting these feeling towards my future emotional state. This was a learning curve for me to not get ahead of my healing process.

Occasionally I would also backslide at times into previous healing areas as well, but within time, this backsliding stopped. I overcame the feelings of guilt and disloyalty that was following me as I attempted to forget and move forward, with my heartstrings tied so tightly to my
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The summer Walk and Talk program began in which I participated again. In September the core program of Rebuilding – When Your Relationship Ends began. I also received information about the Griefshare program. Amazingly my schedule changed to allow me to attend this ten-week spiritual healing program following Rebuilding. I felt that God’s intervening timing was perfect. Enabling me to reconnect my disjointed spiritual life. The completion of the Griefshare program wrapped up prior to December 25, 2015. The start of 2016 I am working toward re-entering the workforce, continuing attending my social group functions, being with family and friends, as well as my new friendships I forged over the past two years.

Looking back upon my grieving, I can assess why I felt what I did. Everything I had to experience was presented to me at the lowest possible point of my life, within the worst state imaginable. I was at my weakest, my most vulnerable, most insecure, most isolated, most heartbroken, emotional, chaotic, messy state, I had ever experienced. I was without the one person I was accustomed to relying upon for help to get me through life’s greatest challenges. The one person I experienced unconditional love with. But with endurance, perseverance, determination and grit I can truly testify that there is light and there is hope for a new beginning at the end of the grieving tunnel. In March 2016,

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