Personal Narrative: But Now I Face It All Alone

Better Essays
But Now I Face It All Alone

On a fateful winter night on January 31, 2007, I sat silently inside my car contemplating how I could ever enter my home to face my loving husband of 22 years. It was only forty-five minutes earlier that I received a tearful phone call from J.P. Unable to express himself, after returning from his doctor’s appointment, I said that I would be home immediately. Without a shadow of a doubt, I knew that J.P had terminal cancer.

Over the next seven years, J.P. was receiving on average chemotherapy every 6 months. Two bone marrow transplants were critical to extending his life. To capitalize on maximizing his health J.P. remained physically active, eating a well-balanced diet, and actually improving his heart and lung
…show more content…
I spoke to the Levels Coordinator of Beginning Experience who directed me to their Website. It was towards the end of May 2014, that I began the Walk and Talk program with Beginning Experience, and continuing in the fall with their Coping program. Upon completing the Coping program, I received an invitation from the Concordia Hospital to attend their grief counseling. The counseling was on a professional level and very informative.

At times during these healing programs, I was experiencing the feeling of frustration and confusion. I was driven to get through my healing process as quickly as I could. Consequently, I was anticipating into the future how I would feel, without being fully healed. I was projecting my present emotional state into the future unintentionally. This was not healthy, as I was still feeling vulnerable feelings resulting with discouragement. I was catapulting these feeling towards my future emotional state. This was a learning curve for me to not get ahead of my healing process.

Occasionally I would also backslide at times into previous healing areas as well, but within time, this backsliding stopped. I overcame the feelings of guilt and disloyalty that was following me as I attempted to forget and move forward, with my heartstrings tied so tightly to my
…show more content…
The summer Walk and Talk program began in which I participated again. In September the core program of Rebuilding – When Your Relationship Ends began. I also received information about the Griefshare program. Amazingly my schedule changed to allow me to attend this ten-week spiritual healing program following Rebuilding. I felt that God’s intervening timing was perfect. Enabling me to reconnect my disjointed spiritual life. The completion of the Griefshare program wrapped up prior to December 25, 2015. The start of 2016 I am working toward re-entering the workforce, continuing attending my social group functions, being with family and friends, as well as my new friendships I forged over the past two years.

Looking back upon my grieving, I can assess why I felt what I did. Everything I had to experience was presented to me at the lowest possible point of my life, within the worst state imaginable. I was at my weakest, my most vulnerable, most insecure, most isolated, most heartbroken, emotional, chaotic, messy state, I had ever experienced. I was without the one person I was accustomed to relying upon for help to get me through life’s greatest challenges. The one person I experienced unconditional love with. But with endurance, perseverance, determination and grit I can truly testify that there is light and there is hope for a new beginning at the end of the grieving tunnel. In March 2016,

Related Documents

  • Decent Essays

    The isolation that I inflicted on myself plus being separated from my family has caused my vision to be cloudy. The pressures of life actualize through my depression as fear. I often become so overwhelmed with the fear of failure or fear of success or fear of neutrality. The fear described here is paralyzing and inhibits me from being the productive member of God’s kingdom that I was called to…

    • 1129 Words
    • 5 Pages
    Decent Essays
  • Decent Essays

    When my counselors and I started a new type of therapy I began to remember, slowly, things that had happened to me. These memories are never clear but they hurt me more than I will ever be able to express. I started believing these feelings were caused by the people in my life, and still struggle with accepting that I, myself, caused the pain I suffer now. I pushed everything away. I stopped caring.…

    • 665 Words
    • 3 Pages
    Decent Essays
  • Decent Essays

    Speech On Life Is Precious

    • 1777 Words
    • 7 Pages

    My visit with Dr. Keller went well, and I still felt like this was what I needed to do to get my life back. Once I got approval from the insurance company, I had bloodwork and a chest x-ray done. When Kathy received my test results, she phoned me and we scheduled my surgery. January 29th would be the day of my…

    • 1777 Words
    • 7 Pages
    Decent Essays
  • Decent Essays

    I spend a lot of time re-assessing my past and pondering over my own thoughts. my anxiety comes with these fears that I may be doing something wrong or I 'm not good enough. I waste a large amount of my time worrying about will happen rather than living in the present. I am constantly making assumptions that do not really seem realistic. Due to this, I found myself disconnected from reality.…

    • 1992 Words
    • 8 Pages
    Decent Essays
  • Decent Essays

    But the reality is, it made me sickly anxious in any setting that was out of my comfort zone. The harsh truth to it is, this included things I was excited for; I couldn 't do it, because I would get too scared that something would go wrong or that I would get my hopes up and be…

    • 1301 Words
    • 6 Pages
    Decent Essays
  • Decent Essays

    The thing about anxiety is that it eats at you makes you question every move before you make it, you feel stupid or crazy maybe even both. You 're just deemed as broken and weird, but your still a person underneath it all. I didn 't know how he helped me cope, maybe it was the fact I could attach myself to someone again. He brought me so many emotions I barely knew him. I was to worried about losing him to even know if I could yet alone trust him in these sessions that were about to begin.…

    • 1375 Words
    • 6 Pages
    Decent Essays
  • Decent Essays

    Essay About Life Mentor

    • 840 Words
    • 4 Pages

    Are you not happy with the way your life is going? Life has thrown us a lot of challenges, it may be the financial condition, disappoined with our relationship, health, or job losses. Many people have frozen in their life because they are unsure about what to do next. Generally, due to such situations we got a nagging feeling that we should be doing something more with our life and we have a lot of untapped potential that we'd like to bring out. We are becoming distresful for our future and not trusting ourselves to make decisions.…

    • 840 Words
    • 4 Pages
    Decent Essays
  • Decent Essays

    I had always been indecisive, but when major, larger decisions appeared, it became a lot worse. This was the time that was supposed to be about me, but stress overcame that. Self-focus was hard to come by in most aspects in my life. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried to focus on myself, it was impossible due to a variety of obstacles. Additionally, these obstacles allowed me to learn who I was and what exactly I wanted.…

    • 2539 Words
    • 11 Pages
    Decent Essays
  • Decent Essays

    I have the hardest time getting my words out. It’s like I can’t even speak because I’m too worried about what will come out, what If it’s stupid? I don’t even engage in social media much due to being worried about the reactions of others. I have a hard time tolerating uncertainty and the future is always uncertain to me. I just try to prepare myself for the future by planning things out.…

    • 702 Words
    • 3 Pages
    Decent Essays
  • Decent Essays

    It takes away a person’s self-confidence as well as their dignity. The person has total loss of control of what use to be the center of their life, their brain. Previously they depended on the use of their brain to live a normal life, but when struck with Alzheimer's they must face the fact they are losing control, and will eventually end up not being able to care for themselves. Possibly the worst part is that there is no cure, but there is hope for the future, because research is being done…

    • 1831 Words
    • 8 Pages
    Decent Essays