Family Law Mediation

Front 1

Define the what happened conversation

Back 1

the first in a set of three different conversations that is a part of any difficult conversation.

Front 2

what is a learning stance?

Back 2

a position one wants to adopt when having the what happened conversation to avoid the common mistakes ppl make in these conversations.

Front 3

what is the first mistake in the what happened conversation?

Back 3

assuming we know the objective truth of the situation, ignoring the other person's point of view. adopt the "and stance" to remedy - you think your way and i think my way.

Front 4

2nd mistake in the what happened conversation?

Back 4

attributing intentions to the other person without actual knowledge of those intentions. done by measuring the impact of the other person's actions on our feelings. also a problem in that we think since we don't have bad intentions we can't hurt their feelings. to remedy - ask them about their intentions, listen carefully to their reaction to what you are saying, and look deeply inside yourself for your true intentions.

Front 5

third error in the what happened conversation.

Back 5

assigning blame to the other person for the whole issue. to remedy: acknowledge both parties' contributions to the situation. CONTRIBUTIONS.

Front 6

What are the 3 main differences between men and women?

Back 6

men solve problems, women just want to talk about it.
men are motivated by feeling needed, women by feeling cherished.
men are like rubber bands, women like waves.

Front 7

how do men need to feel loved?

Back 7

trusted
accepted
appreciated
admired
approved of
encouraged

Front 8

how do women need to feel loved?

Back 8

cared for
understood
respected
devoted to
validated
reassured

Front 9

how do people commonly deal with an argument situation?

Back 9

fight, flight, fake, or fold

Front 10

other helpful tidbits from john gray

Back 10

points system
love letters
the right way to ask

Front 11

how does divorce affect children?

Back 11

badly, depending on age, temperament, environmental stability, psychological functioning of the resident parent, and what parents fight about (parenting skills being #1)

Front 12

what happens developmentally at different ages to children of high-conflict divorce?

Back 12

- 2-3 year olds: often respond with regression
- 4-5 year olds: often feel anxiety about having basic needs met
- 6-8 year olds: can become manipulative as a coping strategy
- 9-12 year olds: likely to take sides with one parent over another
- adolescents: can react unpredictably

Front 13

What are the four coping skills used by children of divorce?

Back 13

manipulation
equilibrating (mediating between parents)
merging
diffusing

Front 14

how to deal with parental alienation syndrome

Back 14

develop a comprehensive plan with a parenting coordinator and therapists for the children and possibly for the alienated parent

Front 15

what are the three levels of divorce impasse?

And how to fix

Back 15

intrapsychic
interactional
external-social

Re-focus on the child

Front 16

Why is an opening statement important?

Back 16

1. gives them an idea what to expect and what is going to happen in the mediation
2. to introduce yourself and lend credibility to your role as a mediator. A bragging session that you should take advantage of. Explain why you are qualified to be there. This class – specific training in dispute resolution and family law matters. Can say you have participated in over 2 dozen mediation exercises & 24 hours of mediation training.
3. Develop an itinerary – explain to the clients what to expect during the mediation. Reassures them.

Front 17

What are the goals of a mediator in conducting the opening statement?

Back 17

Congratulate on making decision to mediate
Most cases end up resolving without trial and this is the best opportunity to do that
Guidelines/rules – caucus situation will probably happen
Confidentiality
Neutrality
Introduce self and talk about self
Restrooms, water fountains, smoking
How late can you stay,
Please commit to a good faith effort

Front 18

How to deal with an emotional client

Back 18

LAUGH - listen for the parties to express their emotions. address the participants with questions. use emotions to your advantage. go to plan B then C then D. Handle aggressive emotions sensibly.

Front 19

Listening techniques:

Back 19

Criteria words - repeated, emphasized in tone, and used with gestures

Front 20

other helps with emotions

Back 20

active listening: open-ended, hypothetical, narrowing, and follow-up questions.

Front 21

5 rules in property division

Back 21

game easier to follow when everyone knows the rules.
use objective standards to resolve disputed valuations
ask questions to determine true interests in the property
look for creative options in dividing property
look for alternatives-don't follow the rules

Front 22

5 reasons ppl desire emotional property division

Back 22

1. fair
2. cheated /your fault
3. gift
4. I paid for it
5. it’s mine

Front 23

5 secrets to listening as a therapist listens

Back 23

give up you
quell your desire to talk
suspend judgment
search out what is truly important to the speaker - stated or not
focus on the main event - the most important message

Front 24

stages of mediation

Back 24

1. intro/opening statement
2. initial statement by counsel/parties
3. venting
4. private sessions
5. more venting
6. defining issues
7. setting agenda
8. generating options
9. raising risks
10. negotiation
11. frustration
12. closing caps
13. resolution

Front 25

what is cooperative mediation

Back 25

techniques: active listening, effective questioning, option generating, tactics recognition and avoiidance, and settlement skills

Front 26

conciliatory mediation

Back 26

focusing on reconciling the parties

Front 27

evaluative

Back 27

evaluate legal weight of parties' positions