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96 Cards in this Set

  • Front
  • Back
has something few people have, but everyone knows about

-assess qualifiers in pick ups
something very special about the person, but not everyone knows about it

-assess qualifiers in pick ups
innocuous opener
service function
-what time is it?, can you pass the ___?, etc.
flippant opener
pick up lines
direct approach
-do you want to dance?
passionate love

companionate love
commitment love
unrealistic beliefs about the relationship

-boys believe more
love experiences/gender
men fall in love more often/quickly, women fall in love more deeply
regrets about sex
didn't want same thing- "used"
no condom
planned to wait til marriage
least interest/control
the more you care, the less control
the more alternatives, the more control
resource control/control
more resources, more control
more of something that is scarce (intellect, network, $, etc), more control
more rewards, more control
people are attracted to rewards
implicit contract
deals we make with each other that we assume (unspoken)
explicit contract
deals we make with each other that we sit down and discuss
locus of control/internalist
your fate comes from yourself
locus of control/externalist
fate controls everything
-- = --
procedural justice
procudure is fair so will live with it
(i.e. seniority)
interactional fairness
want your input to be heard and considered, even if it doesn't change the outcome
networking skills
-bigger network than you think
-don't burn bridges
-keep in touch
-do favors
-keep records
-exercise your network
-befriend those w/o friends
-parent relationships
-look for power, not position
-seek out opportunities
-thumper's rule
-manage disclosures
investment theory/networking
the more favors/investments you do, the more you owe them (b/c they go back to people who invest)
strong link network
you know the same people as everyone else
weak link network
you know people and things that not everyone else knows - impt for jobs- wider network
function of stories
we think narratively
learn values
create and share bonds

communicate values
people get it through stories
effective storytelling
make strong point quickly
confirm listeners values
personal stories best
come to know interesting facts
dispositional shyness
goes w/you everywhere
situational shyness
in particular situation; everyone experiences it at one point
shyness reinforcement model/punishment
punished for communication, made to be quiet
shyness reinforcement model/non-responsive
no one is paying attn, ignored
shyness reinforcement model/learned helplessness
we want our actions to have reliable consequences, can't figure out what to do, withdraw
reducing dispositional shyness/systematic desensitization
get you to associate nervousness w/relaxation, slowly get you more comfortable, get relaxed
reducing dispositional shyness/cognitive restructuring
some ppl shy b/c they have unrealistic beliefs
reducing dispositional shyness/visualization
equal w/practice - imagine every step, visualize success
causes of situational shyness
conspicuousness - feel like everyone's looking at you
rigid rules - know rules and ignore them, has to be this way or nothing
labels - smart ppl label things positive
evaluation - more shy when being judged
novelty/ambiguity - familiar=comfortable
self disclosure - depth and breadth
just met - not dep, not broad
acquaintence - not deep, broad
short fling - deep, not broad
long term - deep and broad
dyadic effect
we match disclosure in topic and intimacy; want somebody to talk about something, then you should talk about that topic
why not disclose
not rewarded
role assignmentts
power position
momentary friend
people co-present and call them friends, not deep
i.e. preschool
mutual sharing friend
do everything together, ownership
autonomous friend
have friends and know they have friends other than you
most adult relationships
receptive adult friendship
one way friendship for adults
often with ppl w/pwr
relational dominance
one person in relationship chooses which friends to hang out with
singles w/single friends, marrieds w/married friends, etc
functions of friends
virtue - good human beings, there for you
chronic loneliness
lonely all the time
10% of population

-rigid rules
why cross-sex friendships end
grow apart/fade away
new romantic relationship
raising romance
social comparison jealousy
want what somebody else has
why: perceive as negative against you, relavant, similar (jealous of ppl similar to you)
consequences of social comparison jealousy
degrade other
happy when they fail
negative self image
depression and anxiety
social relations jealousy
when you PERCEIVE a threat to relationship
why: loneliness, uniqueness, monogamy, esteem, rules, context
responses to social relations jealousy
talk about feelings
express only negative feelings
denial and distancing, violence and threats, surveillance, compensate, manipulation, derogate and confront
why people have affairs
increase rewards
increase self-rewards
test relationsihp
getting even
coping after getting caught w/affair
substantive fighting
about issues, facts, answers can be determined
procedural fighting
about the process
affective fighting
fight about each other (tone, actions, etc)
unfair fighting/exploitative
-hitting below belt - take advantage of weak spot
-blaming other for something they can't control
-indirect fighting - through someone else
-physical abuse
-hit and run - bring something up, then disappear, keeps coming back
unfair fighting/psyching the person out
-mind reading - i know what you're thinking
-character analysis
-predition making
unfair fighting/conversational techniques
-constant interruptions
-switching topics or levels
unfair fighting/extremities
-overkill - make big issue out of nothing
-never forgive or forget
-unrealistic threats (like parents threatening to take away $ for school)
-irrelevant weapons
unfair fighting/crazy-making
-deny obvious feelings
-intentionally inconsistent
-demand something, get it, deny ever wanted it
-agree to something, deny ever discussed it
-build up hopes, shatter them
-follow letter of the law, not the spirit of the law
-psychologize - want to find deep, "real" reasons that don't exist
-never stop
fair fighting/editing
watch words
take pause
determine problem behavior, decide if fight is worth it, decide if person can change, describe problem, consequences
fair fighting/leveling
be clear and specific
watch assumptions (remember intentions)
avoid excuses
don't fear losing
practice conflict reduction skills
stages of break up
1. denial and disillusionment - pretend to be happy in relat
2. erosion and anger - worn down, fight about anything
3. bargaining
4. detachment - nothing left in relationship
5. separation - break up
6. attempted recovery
7. mourning
8. restructuring - life w/o other person
9. acceptance
don't talk about much until a big talk
talking about the talk (word usage, tone, etc)
quid pro quo
deal, negotiation, if-then
internal attributions
happy - give him credit
mad - blame his personality
external attributions
happy - credit situation for something wrong
mad - credit situation for his nice actions
things in relationship you don't really like
things in relationship you want to maximize
comparison levels
compare what we're getting w/what we DESERVE
comparison level for alternatives
compare what we have to what we COULD have
supply and demand
extent to which the demand is high is the extent to which they'll give the supplier
local community
what women can charge, alternatives - don't have to pay as high a price
social proof
in uncertain situations, we look to similar others to determine "correct" behaviors
people assign more value to opportunities when they are less available
--expensive=good quality, rare=good quality
people have a desire to appear consistent, once committed to an action/idea, people are more likely to continue in that action/idea (waiting for elevator)
commitment/consistency -- image induction
"you're helpful, right? can you...?"
commitment/consistency -- low ball (rationalizing)
get idea of buying something w/deal, deal is gone, still buy it b/c likes ideas assoc
-make up reasons for own behavior
frame strategically (persuasion)
audience need
sell, sell, sell
hostile-dominant (persuasion)
arrogant, cocky
friendly-dominant (persuasion)
immediate confident***
hostile-submissive (persuasion)
passive aggressive
friendly-submissive (persuasion)
fear of death
-loss of loved ones - won't see loved ones after you die
-changes in society (reduced religiosity, less social support, fewer rituals, less publicness)
coping with death/subterfuge
don't say he died, say "passed away"
coping with death/denial
coping with death/death defying
risky behavior, feel only alive when testing death
stages in dying process
1. denial
2. anger
3. bargaining
4. depression
5. acceptance
survivor stages/immediate
1st week or 2 after death
survivor stages/intermediate
2 weeks-2yrs
every now and then it hits you
hero worship - forget everything bad
survivor stages/recovery
stop thinking about them sometimes
live without them
aiding and coping with death
avoid signif changes
be willing to listen
keep survivors in good health
find support groups
know time heals, but never say it
focus on their feelings