Choices

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Choices By john walk

Life is full of choices. The ones we make that seem so insignificant turn out to be the most important choices we make. It's funny how those little choices make such big impact on our lives. But for you to understand that I'll have to take you back In time. To the little insignificant life of a little boy. Who's life would never be the same.Chapter OneAccidents happen?When I was just a toddler, I'd watch my dad stick keys in the ignition and drive this huge piece of machinery from the local lumberyard. One day he made the mistake of leaving the keys down low enough that they were within my grasp. So I did.Now there is a reason that they tell you not to do this. As a toddler, you could fall as toddlers often do and jab yourself or put your eye out. Oh but that was too simple for me. I wanted to drive just like dad.So I looked around for the keyhole and finally located one in the far wall. Stuck the key in and I was the one that started up!I was thrown to the other side of the room. Black soot on me. The keys were melted in the plug. And the wall was blackened. Smoke came from both me and the wall. I thought my parents were going to freak! And they didn't disappoint. I don't really remember what happened next, but if you ever have a thought of doing that, take it from someone with experience, DON'T!Some time had passed and I'd gotten better. Sitting in the floor with a coloring book. Just playing and minding my own business. What could go wrong right? Yeah look who we are talking about!I was coloring trains and being the engineer, it was time to sound my horn. Now dad had bought these bull horns he really liked from a yard sale I believe. Hung it up on the wall. And occasionally would hang his belt on it.Ok don't get ahead of me. I know some of you are laughing already. You'd be right though. This particular instance the belt hung there and it was time for the whistle to blow. I tugged a few times called out toot toot and just then WHACK!Yep. The horns came down and split in two. Now oddly enough it didn't hurt. But I just knew dad was gonna kill me and I couldn't help but start to cry. Of course when mom found me, and saw the horns came off the wall and broke over my head. She thought I was crying because I was hit in the head. Needless to say dad just picked up the horns and belt and they disappeared.Now a short time had gone by when one evening I began to watch my siblings play on this swing hanging from a tree in our back yard. It was basically a 2 X 6 with two ropes. But it was wide enough for the three of them.Now swings are much like gravity. What goes up must come down right? Well what swings out must swing back. So as I quickly approached the grand swing and they all jumped off. The swing continued.Toddlers are not physicists. The swing went back as I ran to it. My sister decides to give it some help and gives it a push about the same time I come with in range. And yep you guessed it. WHACK! Again to the head!I don't remember much of the rest of that day either but I do remember the big dark rise on my head. And I still have the dip in my head to prove it. Of course fate just kept dishing it out as it would have it. And one day my older brother Dave decided to be Silver and I was the Lone Ranger. If you don't know who that is, just look it up.Well we decided to do the hi ho Silver when I slipped off his back and banged my chin into the coffee table. A nice hole punch all the way thru to the inside of my mouth. Several stitches inside my mouth and on my chin closed the hole that I was once sticking my finger thru looking at it from inside my mouth. Now by miracle, I had grown a little. But still very young. I went exploring in the back yard and found a ledge where people had thrown lots of trash over into a creek. Leaning over a little too far the edge gave way and I fell. When I looked down my left foot was burning. A broken bottle had cut thru my shoe and sliced my foot open.Yeah I know by now your wandering how I survived to become an adult. To be honest, I don't know!I have many scars from incidents like this one. For instance I have one on my side where my uncle shot a can and the can flung over and cut my side open.Then there is the time I fell in a dump and stuck a sixteen penny nail thru the front of my leg and out the back. The bad thing about that was that it was still attached to the board. My brother had to pull the board and nail from my leg while they held me down. The meat in my leg made a nasty suction sound.I also ran nails up into my feet many times in my life. I often joked that my guardian angel kept putting in for a transfer to God to take care of someone else. But was refused because no other would take my case! Lol.Now before I hit my teen years I was always an imaginative boy. We owned a rusty old small two seater Datsun truck. It was loud but it would go! Six of us would cram into the cab on a cold winters morning on our way to church. We looked like clowns getting out of the toy beetle.You had to be careful or your foot might touch the road as we were driving. I remember my dad placing pieces of something over the holes to keep the fumes out. And we would drive down the road.My oldest brother Bill would sit in the passenger side next to the door. My sister or brother would sit on his lap.Mom would be in the middle with one of my brothers or my sister on her lap depending on how we were arranged.I of course was the smallest. The runt of the family. So I would stand wedged between the driver door and my dad's left arm as he drove.As we traveled down the road I would imagined being Spider-Man. Racing with my dad as I'd shoot webs from telephone pole to telephone pole. Occasionally stopping to sit on a pole or to web a passing cow. We were a family of six. Poor as they come but I didn't know that. I just thought it was life. I never knew any different.There were times when food was scarce if we had it at all. But dad was always a hard worker. Did his best to keep food on the table. Shoes on our feet. And a roof over our head.I remember dad taking my brothers and some of their friends "snipe hunting". I was upset because they said I was too little to go. Dad said I could and mom threatened him that he better come back with me. At the time I didn't quite know what she meant. But I knew she was always looking out for me.Now I'd never heard of a snipe and apparently neither had my brothers. But they grabbed their coffee sacks and headed out with a couple of adults while the rest of the parents stayed behind laughed and talked quite suspiciously.Now it was dark out and flashlights were scarce. In fact you had to hunt the snipe without one. So thru the woods we'd go.About a half hour in dad took me and brought me back home. At the time I was a little upset. But a couple hours passed and getting so tired. I was kind of glad to be home where it was warm.I was so disappointed that I hadn't even seen a snipe and I began to be very sad. What's wrong son? My dad asked. I'd explain how I wanted to be the first to find one and we didn't stay out long enough to get one. He began to laugh. As did the other adults. There's no snipe my dad explained. It was all a prank.So now I was in on the joke and not part of it. I sat in a chair and ate a hotdog and fell asleep. Sometime had passed cause I recall waking up and all the parents were gone and most of the boys. It was breaking dawn and my to oldest brothers was telling my dad about their adventure.They'd almost caught one. Chasing it all night. Dad asked them what it looked like. Funny thing is they couldn't exactly describe it. It was too dark to see but they knew that's what it was.So they cleaned the sticks, briars, and dirt off of them and headed to bed. Dad looked at me and grinned as I nodded back off to sleep.We had what we called a get together in those days. Everybody would actually just get together. The kids were up on a hill playing while the adults would be inside talking. When somebody yelled run it's a monster!Now being a kid with a great imagination it didn't occur to me they were just playing tag. But after I hear a deep growl either way I wasn't going to stick around to find out. I ran as fast as my little legs would carry me following the others kids down off the side of the hill.I noticed when they came the bottom of the hill they'd dart to the left, right, or duck. I had no idea why. I just kept running.When I reached the bottom of the hill I knew I'd been caught by the monster. Right around the throat. My feet swung above my head as I went up and then sling shot down to the ground.It was too dark for the other kids too see me, and my throat was almost completely closed up, so I couldn't yell, but after gasping and trying to breathe for a couple minutes, I managed to get on my feet.That's when it hit my head. A thin droopy clothes line wire that seemed almost invisible in the dark. However, it left a deep reddish blue line across my neck.With a glass of water in hand and the adults trying to decide to be concerned or laugh I came in and called it a night.Accidents didn't always happen to me. Sometimes it was someone else's turn. Such as one time I was fixing my bike tire and placing it back on the bike. I hadn't finished tightening the bolts when my older brother Dave decided he was gonna test it out. I kept telling him it wasn't finished but he didn't care.He snatched the bike and sped down the driveway pedaling just as fast as he could. He hit the ramp we had set up to jump, went up in the air, and that's when he knew he was in trouble.The front tire went flying. Exposing the front forks like a spear! Of course when he came down, the forks inserted themselves deeply in the dirt and Dave went rolling down the embankment. Right into an old sewage drain.See, Dave was a little preppy! He hated to get dirty at all. So you can imagine how angry he was when covered in sewage.As he walked past me to head inside and get cleaned up, I said "I tried to tell you it wasn't ready". He just kept his head down and said SHUT UP!Chapter TwoGrander daysMy papaw would occasionally come and take me with him to the gun trade shows. I bet there was never a gun made he didn't know about.He'd carry riffles and shotguns I'd carry pistol bag and off we'd go. After a long day of trading buying and selling papaw would always come home with more guns and money than we'd left with. I have no idea how he did that.On our way home he'd stop at his favorite Chicken restaurant and we'd eat. He didn't know it. But for me that was a treat. It made the whole day of lugging those heavy guns of his around all day.We'd get home and he'd still be hungry. Ask for mamma to fix me a bowl of corn flakes. Of course he'd take one too since she was up. And before I'd go home he'd always bite my jaw with his magical teeth.Now I didn't know anything about dentures or fake teeth and such. So when papaw could flick out the entire upper set of his teeth well I of course didn't know what to think. I never knew that could be done. But papaw could do it.Too soon the time came as many times in a young boys life when I'd have to say goodbye for one final time. I saw this man lying in a hospital room. The doctors and nurses saying he probably didn't even know we were there. So I listened as my aunt made the remark that he didn't like his feet to be covered. So she pulled the sheet back exposing his toes to the cool air. We were shuffled out the door as I took one last look at my papaw before he passed. His eyes starred right at me. So I reached up and took hold of his foot. He then kicked the devil out of my hand and scared the crap out of me. I jumped as my aunt looked at me and smiled. He doesn't like for his feet to be touched either.The doctors explained it was just a reaction. He really didn't know we were there but I could see his eyes. And they were wholly fastened on me. I knew. Papaw knew. His stroke left him weakened and soon would claim his life. But his memories live on for a life time inside each of those he left to carry on. This was my moms daddy. Grandpa the fisherman!Now grandpa was my dad's dad. I don't remember him saying much. But I do remember the man could fish. He'd work that pole and hook like it was an extension of his soul. I remember sitting on the bank watching him pull one in after another. So naturally I wanted to catch one. So I moved over beside him and cast mine right beside his.He did't say nothing. Just looked at me an grinned. He had a funny grin. It was amazing. Now papaw had magic teeth but grandpa could touch his chin all the way up to his nose. Hilarious it was.He'd look at me and flicked his string an start reeling in another fish. After taking it off the hook he'd cast it back out beside mine. Mine just bobbed in the water his just hit the water and he start reeling in another. I just watched. Wasn't nothing else I could do he was the one catching all the fish.Then he too passed. I remember being in the car when they told me. I don't know why but I laughed. I guess I thought they were joking. But when they turned and looked I saw it was no joke. Grandpa was gone too.I couldn't understand why everyone kept dying but it happened a lot. People I knew and loved. Strangers I'd never met.My dad was a minister. So naturally I'd seen a lot of funerals. I never really understood at that time why people were so sad. I mean to me it seemed a great deal to leave this world for a place where nothing bad would ever happen. You know. I didn't see the downside.But as life has always been the greatest teacher. It soon taught me the meaning of saying good bye for the final time. Chapter 4Just memories nowGrowing up poor makes you look at life differently. For instance. Working wasn't work. It's just what you do. You don't work you don't eat. That simple.I remember one of my first jobs was to cut an elderly neighbor ladies yard. It started as a job for my brother David an me but wasn't his career choice so it fell to me.Now it didn't really pay much but her lemonade and cookies really made up for the lack of pay. She was a sweet lady. Always smiling. I don't see elderly folk like that anymore.But I'd finish an walk back home on the railway tracks. Slowing down of course as I passed this girls house I had a crush on. She was sweet and I was always too shy to say anything. But I'd look anyway to see if she'd be out. Usually her dad was and I'd keep walking.My brother Dave was a unique fellow. Usually always friendly. Joking around. Never knew a stranger. Strong as an ox. But never showed off. Oh and he loved his hair. As he grew older, he became more distant as most teenagers do.We began to grow closer though as he started to date oddly enough. Partly because my parents made me go with him when he would drive his girlfriend home.Now if you ask my dad how I learned about the birds and the bees. He will tell you a story about the rabbits. Lol I'm not going to touch that one lol.Actually it was yep you guessed it my brother Dave Lol. He would stop along the road at night and ask me to get out of the car. Lol no freaking way was I about to do that. So he and his girlfriend would disappear in the dark and always come back all giddy.Well one night when we got to her house and dropped her off. He came back to the car got in with a big smile on his face. Of course I knew what he had done and he knew I knew.So down the road we went and he pulls over to the side of the road. Hands me something and says throw this out it broke. Well that's the first time I ever saw one. But he didn't have to say what it was. I figured it out pretty quick. And I was really grossed out. I said no way am I touching that. So I rolled down my window and he flings it out.Now he has a problem. I know what happened. So how's he gonna keep me quiet about it? Well he could have been a jerk and threatened me. But he was smart enough to know that'd never work. So what else was he gonna do.Wanna drive he says. Now you should never let a kid who has never been behind a wheel drive. Oh boy. It worked. I jumped behind the wheel. We sped out like the dukes of hazard. He'd occasionally grab the wheel. But figured it was better than dad killing him if he ever found out.I pulled up to the stop sign and said that was fun! He laughed got out walked around and I scooted over.I really looked up to him. Eventually though responsibilities of being a newly expecting father began to take hold. He moved out and eventually began working at a tree trimming company. That's when things really got bad.First week on the job his supervisor gets a call and steps away while he takes it. Dave continues to feed the chipper. Just then a tree limb jams and shoots back out of the chipper like a bullet. Dave sees it and tries to move out of the way. He wasn't able to move fast enough. He was able to turn to where the projectile caught him in between the shoulder blades on his spine instead of his heart.Now I've learned a lot about tumors and cancer at a very young age. I wished I didn't have to. It was just suppose to be a disc out of alignment. But as the months passed we knew it was more than that.We were able to get him to a specialist that could perform a surgery to correct this incident. We weren't prepared however for what the surgeon came in and told us.Now my family has seen it's share of tragedies. Most families have been affected at one time or other. But I've never seen my mom faint. The blood drain from my dad's face or any of their reactions before. And I knew it was bad.Apparently nothing showed on X-ray because it was organic. But the limb had struck a dormant tumor and caused it to not only become active but super aggressive. It became a very rare type of cancer that as soon as the surgeon cut him open and the air hit the cells it just spread all over his neck.I remember seeing my brother over a period of a few weeks go from strong and healthy, to crutches, a walker, a wheelchair, to finally being paralyzed from the neck down. Eventually being fitted for a halo and watching the chemo claim the hair he'd loved so well.He talked me thru the steps to make homemade milkshakes. He loved those things. Never complained. No matter how bad it hurt. You would come to cheer him up. But left being the one cheered.Then one night while working on an art project for school. Mom and dad were leaving to go see him. Now if I'd known then that it would be the last time they'd see him alive. I'd been in the car waiting. But thinking I'd plenty of time and not wanting to face the seriousness of his illness, I stayed home. It was one choice I'd live to regret for the rest of my life.His funeral came and all the lives he'd touched filled the funeral home and down the street. I sat bitter and angry and couldn't keep the tears from my eyes. My brother. My friend. He was gone at age 20.The teacher taught me why people cry at funerals. A lesson I wished I never known. A few days passed. And time for my birthday came. Not feeling like celebrating. I walked outside. Crushed by David's passing. I just didn't see the point. After all what was there to celebrate. The birth of a kid who couldn't even take the time to see his sick brother. I didn't want to celebrate. I wanted to die. I was lost.Empty angry and hurting my emotions all over the place. I tried to just live day by day. Part of me was missing and I just couldn't seem to get refocused. No matter what I did or where I was. I'd see fragments of the life he left behind. Smell the chemo in the air. Or some other trigger of a memory. The ghost of a life i never wanted to let go of. Part fourWhat was right went so wrongOur lives are full of stories like these that build our character and make us who we are. Sometimes though who we are isn't who we chose to be. It's who we've allowed ourselves to become.Empty inside, I began searching for something to fill the void. Most turn to drugs and alcohol. But I began to search out God. My brother left me the hope to see him again, and I didn't want to loose that chance.After talking with many dear sweet people, one night I found what I was looking for. And God changed me.Now it doesn't matter whether you believe in God or not. It doesn't change anything. Believe it or not, He doesn't need you to believe in him to exist!Interesting enough pictures were taken at my baptismal. And from the clouds a ray if light shone on me. I must say that even I was impressed with it.Being a Christian in high school is an extremely difficult thing to do. But not only a Christian, God called me to preach. Things really got interesting. But I remained sincere with God and he was always with me.As time would pass, my inexperience would definitely take it's toll.Tonight I stand outside and look up at the same stars I've seen for years. There just not as bright as they used to be.22 years ago I had dreams and ambitions. Today however. Most have been beat upon the rocks of life so many times that there is hardly a resemblance anymore. Like the waves of the ocean thrashing the ship of the sea against the rocks.Fresh out of high school I was married to who I thought I would grow old with and tried to start a family. As death claimed the life of my miscarried baby however, a part of me died with him or her.I realize now when a loved one passes they not only leave a part of them behind. But they take a part of you with them. Sometimes it's so you no longer recognize yourself anymore. I didn't tell anyone. I just kept it inside. It became my own personal cancer.Our marriage was great at first. We struggled as most new couples do. I got a job working with my dad and was trying to go to college too. I had hopes of being a computer animator. But when financial aid was gonna require dad to pay a hefty portion, that dream was quickly flushed.Part of the agreement to work with my dad was, that I had to attend school. So I lost my job too.We struggled a lot, and I'd get odd jobs where I could. And finally was called to work at Pillsbury. Things were actually going well there until one day the paddle got caught in the auger for the pepperoni toppings. And well, the next day I found myself on a quick spiral down. Eventually, I ended up in pack out. Boxes of product would come down the assembly line and you'd have to arrange and stack them on a pallet. It was during this job that a twist to the hip would deal another hard blow to me.A pinched nerve began to take away my ability to walk but the workers comp doctor insisted I should stop whining and get back to work.I ended up seeing a chiropractor who treated me. He ordered a test done that confirmed the nerve was indeed pinched. And that also, in ten years time, I would loose the ability to walk.Are you serious?Well, I put my trust in God. And many years after that, I'm still walking.Two years of therapy, and the last treatment had just been completed. By that time we had just started baby siting for my brother Bill. We lived off of $50 a week. Now that was a tough time.So, we pulled out of the parking lot and started down the 4 lane road, just then, an elderly lady pulls out in front of me. Sometimes, you really have to wonder if it's worth getting out of bed!Strapped to a backboard, I couldn't move my legs. So they refused to let me up. The incident caused my blood pressure to go dangerously high. And they continued to give me meds that wouldn't work. Several hours had passed and I was about to pee myself. So when an X-ray tech who didn't know what had happened and that I was not to move wheeled me in the room, he un strapped me to go to the bathroom.As soon as I sat up however, all the meds they'd given me to bring my blood pressure down kicked in all at once. I was going down.I heard the tech yell for help, and the next thing I new I was upside down with a bad headache.Of course treatment had to start all over again, but I could still walk. I have accomplished many things in my life. But none greater than the adoption of four little ones. It was truly the best decision I had ever made. My children are an extension of my soul. They really made life so much sweeter. Part fiveThe beginning or the endThe years of dealing with life took it's toll however, and as my ex wife and I grew apart. The decision finally came to separate. And end with divorce. I'd spent three years trying to talk with her, but she'd always ending the conversation with a threat to end her life and be done with it. So eventually I quit trying to say anything. And now, it was over.After trying a few dating sites. I had given up on finding anyone of true character. I deleted almost all of my accounts when I came across the post of Amy. She was gorgeous. I replied. Figured she'd never would. Depression had taken hold on me. And my loneliness set in like stale concrete.One night after an extremely long day I sat quietly in my room. Now I am totally against suicide. But that night I was not in my right frame of mind. The barrel of my rifle pressed against the roof of my mouth. My thumb on the trigger. I apologized to God for having such a messed up life. Then my phone starts to go crazy. It was Amy!Are you serious? I lay the gun on my lap and we began to chat. I fell in love with her almost immediately. Talk about love at first site!Our conversations were wonderful and before long I was on my way to see her. A 3 hour drive took 6. But she was amazing! And totally worth it. Before long she totally consumed my every thought.I'd been hurting in my low back. I had been passing over 44 kidney stones when I quit counting. But that wasn't the cause of the pain. I began to urinate. It was black. Not dark red or brown, but black. Depressed and stressed, my mind left me. For about four days I don't remember much of anything. It was like I was in a car. Just along for the ride.I worked at a local company for 12 years when they told me they were liquidating my position.And to top it off,when Amy found out, she didn't want to speak to me anymore.Why can't we just ever have a happy ending. Why does there always have to be a sequel. More to the story that brings tear and tragedy.The red flags came that should have alerted me right away. But when you're in love you are blinded to anything bad for that person. And I was so deeply in love. I spouted poetry, love notes, and praises like flowers blossoming in the spring!Things likeMy dearest loveFull of grace and kindnessA beautiful soul to be desiredWith a smile that brings the morning sunriseEyes that sparkle like goldYour lips of perfection lustfully admiredAnd cheeks as soft as snowBut the greatest beauty you possess is inside your heart and soulYour kindness overwhelms meGives me peace and hopeYour touch is like the touch of an angel and the presence of a queen.Your kiss just drives me wildFor all your love inside me Makes me feel aliveI love you always and foreverAnd these words poured from my heart. Evidently it wasn't enough. So I awoke Thursday morning. I texted my sweetheart. No replies. Texted again. A reply comes back. Leave me alone she says.Well naturally something happened right? No, apparently everyone was upset with her and she blocks me for it. So now I've lost my family, my son disowns me, lost my job, no retirement, no savings, and lost the love of my life.I began to wonder am I cursed by God. I am to the point of breaking. All hope is lost from my heart and I am crushed.But no matter what, my daughter was there thru it all. Stayed right with me. I quickly came to realize she was growing and maturing beyond her years. And becoming a young woman I could be proud of.Many times council i'd given her she began to give back to me. She showed more wisdom in that time than she could ever learn from a book, or glean from a classroom.Part sevenFinaleI don't understand how things got so bad so fast. I didn't even get an explanation. Just blocked. That's it! Then she just texts me and says she's getting evicted and it was my fault because I told her everything would be ok and she didn't want anything else to do with me!I think of her every day. Get sick in my gut. Feel like I'm going to die. She just continues to shut me out. And my heart just continues to bleed. My mind won't stop. And I always feel so faint.See I can't just turn off how I feel all at once. I'm not made that way. I can't just get over someone like that.Even with my first marriage it took me 3 years of being pushed away before I lost those feelings for her. Even today I do not hate her. I just don't love or trust her. I care what happens, but only as to a friend.How can you love someone. And then just shut them out? Isn't true love about being with someone no matter how bad things get? At least to a certain degree!My first marriage came to an end because she refused to talk to me. Now, Amy is doing the same thing!Maybe, I'm just not lovable. Maybe ladies, that's why there are so many jerks out there. I don't know the answer, but silence will kill the best of any relationship.I realize that there isn't always a happy ending. Or a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Sometimes things just get worse until they end. That's the hard truth about life.Sure it is nice to think that all is well that ends well. It's nice to believe in fairy tale endings. But the prince doesn't always get the princess. Sometimes he finds out she's a spoiled brat. And is locked away in a tower for a reason. It's like buying something and then returning it because it wasn't as good as the hype made it out to be.Anyway. How do you move on from here. Well I know people say start a new chapter. But I say start a new book. Don't dwell on the past. Remember it. Learn from it. But don't dwell on it.Our mortality is too short to be miserable with someone who does not care for you like you do for them.Is it painful? Does it hurt? God yes! But I've never seen anyone have something in life they didn't have to work hard to get and be appreciative of it.My daughter said to me one night as I discussed how low I felt. Don't take away the chance for something great to happen to you tomorrow because something bad has happened today!Hmmm, since when did she become the parent. But in my heart I know she was right.I know there are exceptions. But anything worth having in life is born thru hard labor. Otherwise, it's value is meaningless.So. Here we are. Amy refuses to talk with me. Won't let me help her in any way except to send her money.Hmmm. Yea I'm gonna get right on that. Not! Listen. If all a person wants is money. They don't love you. No matter how many times they tell you.Money cannot be the reason for your love or else it can disappear just as quickly as you received it.If they love you, they are gonna love you whether you are rich or poor. Healthy or sick. Employed or unemployed. That's not to say you won't have stress. God knows you will always have stress. It may even spark some heated arguments.But. There will always be a kiss and make up. If not. The relationship is doomed to fail. Maybe not today. But eventually. So, what now? Well, nothing else to do but pick up the pieces and move on. Try to get my life back right with God. And hopefully, find the one I was meant for.Hehe, but that's for the next book!Thanks for reading!Sent from my iPhone

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