Frustrated, I concentrated on my career and training, deciding I simply was not a sexual person. For a long time I considered myself asexual and rebuffed anyone who I even imagined might want me. Fear of humiliation no doubt compelled me to run away from sex and all its ugly complications. I suppose I was called unflattering names behind my back, I'm sure I deserved it.
Then I met Estelle.
She showed me another path, I finally 'got it' and did so in a big way. Even though we were so very different, we fit. She was older than I, experienced and patient. She opened a new world, new feelings I had not known possible. I discovered I had moved from almost pathologically asexual to lesbian without quite realizing it had happened. It took a long time …show more content…
She introduced me to imaginary worlds, to fiction and literature. She not only taught me to embrace my libido, she expanded my mind. A scientist by temperament and training, she especially loved Science Fiction, the trashier and pulpier the better. I was disdainful of the genre at first, but her enthusiasm was infectious.
She introduced me to Fitz's book. The first few chapters were difficult reading. I found it crass and very much 'male fantasy' oriented, but Estelle taught me the value of fantasy and I thought if she liked it I had to give it a fair shot. I indulged her not suspecting there was another reason for her interest in the book than simply a penchant for trashy fiction. By the time the tale landed on the planet of the fur-people I was hooked. I imagined myself on a planet dominated by a population of cat-like, furry female humans. Fantasies of a libidinous lesbian society fired my imagination!
When poor Shameya appeared in our morgue, I thought of Fitz's fictional creations and suggested we call him in as a consultant. I'm not sure why. I had no real plan beyond meeting a writer whose work I had come to enjoy. I am sure I had no thought of talking to him about 'lesbian …show more content…
I was as yet unclear what he was doing, all I knew then was Alex had recruited him and he had become important to our mission. I would not appreciate the value of his data communications and security skills until later. Fitz had gone from being terrified of Alex to working for him, and I was unsure how that happened. Given the depth of Fitz's fear of us, this was shocking.
Although I thought I had understood the potential abuses of unaccountable power, I never considered that our organization was unaccountable. Yes we operate in secret, but we have superiors we report to and who hold us accountable. Or so I believed. It was only while with Fitz that I came to recognize the depths of fear that such clandestine organizations inspire.
I discovered this bothered me. I came to see that secrecy and power make dangerous bedfellows.
So much happened after I was sidelined. I only have an incomplete story. Somehow Alex convinced Fitz that he and the girls were in more danger from Boskone than from his own clandestine organization. Suddenly Fitz is running an immense security organization responsible for data and communications systems supporting one of the most massive international military operations in the history of the modern world. I have only an inkling of what he has been doing, but whatever it was, it involved secure communications and was
Then I met Estelle.
She showed me another path, I finally 'got it' and did so in a big way. Even though we were so very different, we fit. She was older than I, experienced and patient. She opened a new world, new feelings I had not known possible. I discovered I had moved from almost pathologically asexual to lesbian without quite realizing it had happened. It took a long time …show more content…
She introduced me to imaginary worlds, to fiction and literature. She not only taught me to embrace my libido, she expanded my mind. A scientist by temperament and training, she especially loved Science Fiction, the trashier and pulpier the better. I was disdainful of the genre at first, but her enthusiasm was infectious.
She introduced me to Fitz's book. The first few chapters were difficult reading. I found it crass and very much 'male fantasy' oriented, but Estelle taught me the value of fantasy and I thought if she liked it I had to give it a fair shot. I indulged her not suspecting there was another reason for her interest in the book than simply a penchant for trashy fiction. By the time the tale landed on the planet of the fur-people I was hooked. I imagined myself on a planet dominated by a population of cat-like, furry female humans. Fantasies of a libidinous lesbian society fired my imagination!
When poor Shameya appeared in our morgue, I thought of Fitz's fictional creations and suggested we call him in as a consultant. I'm not sure why. I had no real plan beyond meeting a writer whose work I had come to enjoy. I am sure I had no thought of talking to him about 'lesbian …show more content…
I was as yet unclear what he was doing, all I knew then was Alex had recruited him and he had become important to our mission. I would not appreciate the value of his data communications and security skills until later. Fitz had gone from being terrified of Alex to working for him, and I was unsure how that happened. Given the depth of Fitz's fear of us, this was shocking.
Although I thought I had understood the potential abuses of unaccountable power, I never considered that our organization was unaccountable. Yes we operate in secret, but we have superiors we report to and who hold us accountable. Or so I believed. It was only while with Fitz that I came to recognize the depths of fear that such clandestine organizations inspire.
I discovered this bothered me. I came to see that secrecy and power make dangerous bedfellows.
So much happened after I was sidelined. I only have an incomplete story. Somehow Alex convinced Fitz that he and the girls were in more danger from Boskone than from his own clandestine organization. Suddenly Fitz is running an immense security organization responsible for data and communications systems supporting one of the most massive international military operations in the history of the modern world. I have only an inkling of what he has been doing, but whatever it was, it involved secure communications and was