After reviewing the rough draft presented to me, I have uncovered many areas need to be improved upon. In order to clearly identify the audience, the author ought to state whom the essay identifies with. One such example is: In today’s digital world letter writing has been lost on our teenagers and although their parents grew up in a world of pen and paper letter writing today’s fast pace has left them in the dust. This rough draft does not have a distinct purpose. It goes off in several different directions. The author goes from emails being impersonal to computers malfunctioning and making funny noises to cutting your finger. They essay encompasses everything from email, instant messenger, coloring, pictures and handwritten letters. Is
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The closest thing resembling a thesis statement is when the author states “You point and click, but some people want to hold something, unwrap a letter and smell it,” however this was not positioned correctly. The thesis was just lost in the middle of the first paragraph. If positioned properly, this would work as a strong thesis statement and help to organize the flow of the essay. However, another sentence that the author wrote in the second paragraph that would also work as a new thesis statement is, “The surprise of a mailed letter provides something to cherish rather than to be deleted.” If the author chose this statement the focus would be on letters being a work of art, saved and treasured and handed down from generation to generation and being an important part of history. The author did well in choosing topic sentences for the supporting paragraphs. They stated “A letter gives someone the real thing.” This topic sentence effectively allows the author to provide supporting information regarding the difference in how an email and a letter are perceived. Another effective topic statement the author stated was “The convenience and efficiency of computers can’t be matched by regular postal services.” This topic allows the author to talk about the strengths and weakness of both styles of communication. However, the author needs a few more topic sentences for some of the supporting
The closest thing resembling a thesis statement is when the author states “You point and click, but some people want to hold something, unwrap a letter and smell it,” however this was not positioned correctly. The thesis was just lost in the middle of the first paragraph. If positioned properly, this would work as a strong thesis statement and help to organize the flow of the essay. However, another sentence that the author wrote in the second paragraph that would also work as a new thesis statement is, “The surprise of a mailed letter provides something to cherish rather than to be deleted.” If the author chose this statement the focus would be on letters being a work of art, saved and treasured and handed down from generation to generation and being an important part of history. The author did well in choosing topic sentences for the supporting paragraphs. They stated “A letter gives someone the real thing.” This topic sentence effectively allows the author to provide supporting information regarding the difference in how an email and a letter are perceived. Another effective topic statement the author stated was “The convenience and efficiency of computers can’t be matched by regular postal services.” This topic allows the author to talk about the strengths and weakness of both styles of communication. However, the author needs a few more topic sentences for some of the supporting