Silver Wands I was lost at sea. I was swimming in my own thoughts and emotions without a shoreline in sight. My path, usually bathed in warm sunlight, was now washed with deep grays and blacks. The ticking of the clock, pens clicking, feet tapping, desks squeaking; everything was amplified. I tried to calm myself, to slow down my breathing. My sweaty palms could barely grip the pencil. My mind could not comprehend anything I read. My ears were met with the shrill sound of the bell just as my shallow,ragged breathing became even. The scratching of chairs against linoleum sent a shiver through my spine as everyone around me got up to turn their test in. My stomach drops as I glance down at my own. The scantron is painfully empty.The room
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I cannot focus on anything. I have been reading the same sentence over and over again, but nothing is registering in my head. I knew I had work to do, that I had to focus, but I could not force my mind into submission. An idea popped into my head and before I can fully process it, I find myself walking to the bathroom. I stand, exit my room, and open the bathroom door, where the mirror was foggy and the air heavy from a recent shower, and open the mirrored cabinet. As I go to open the mirrored cabinet in my bathroom,I take extra care not to look at my own reflection. I am too ashamed too even look at myself. What I am about to do is stupid, but I am desperate. Desperate to feel something other than a crushing pain in my chest, desperate to feel normal again, whole again. My brother and father always shave with old school heavy, metal, single blade razors so, blades are always stock piled in our home. My hands fumble for the silver blades. The cool metal contact with my skin raising goosebumps all over my body, and in one,quick stroke I painted my arm red. I felt a rush of euphoria and calmness that I had not felt in …show more content…
Your brain, when dealing with stress or physical pain releases endorphins into your system causing a euphoric high. These endorphins rush into my body making me feel relief and calm. As with any other drug, addiction and tolerance building are real and probable happenings. The release was too temporary. The problem was that the embarrassment of cutting, the knowledge that these marks would become permanently tattooed into my skin, and the fears that someone would discover my secret, meant that any relief was short-lived. All too soon, I would feel worse than before, leaving me vulnerable to repeat episodes of psychic pain, followed by even more cutting. As with any other drug, addiction is real and probable. Your body will also build up a tolerance to the effects of endorphins causing me to cut even more just to feel the same effects as the first time I took a blade to my skin. The first time I took a blade to my skin I felt okay for the first time in a while. My demons had been hushed by a silver wand. Soon after though, I came to realize that the silence was not really there. The noise in my head had only been masked by an even louder, albeit happier,
I cannot focus on anything. I have been reading the same sentence over and over again, but nothing is registering in my head. I knew I had work to do, that I had to focus, but I could not force my mind into submission. An idea popped into my head and before I can fully process it, I find myself walking to the bathroom. I stand, exit my room, and open the bathroom door, where the mirror was foggy and the air heavy from a recent shower, and open the mirrored cabinet. As I go to open the mirrored cabinet in my bathroom,I take extra care not to look at my own reflection. I am too ashamed too even look at myself. What I am about to do is stupid, but I am desperate. Desperate to feel something other than a crushing pain in my chest, desperate to feel normal again, whole again. My brother and father always shave with old school heavy, metal, single blade razors so, blades are always stock piled in our home. My hands fumble for the silver blades. The cool metal contact with my skin raising goosebumps all over my body, and in one,quick stroke I painted my arm red. I felt a rush of euphoria and calmness that I had not felt in …show more content…
Your brain, when dealing with stress or physical pain releases endorphins into your system causing a euphoric high. These endorphins rush into my body making me feel relief and calm. As with any other drug, addiction and tolerance building are real and probable happenings. The release was too temporary. The problem was that the embarrassment of cutting, the knowledge that these marks would become permanently tattooed into my skin, and the fears that someone would discover my secret, meant that any relief was short-lived. All too soon, I would feel worse than before, leaving me vulnerable to repeat episodes of psychic pain, followed by even more cutting. As with any other drug, addiction is real and probable. Your body will also build up a tolerance to the effects of endorphins causing me to cut even more just to feel the same effects as the first time I took a blade to my skin. The first time I took a blade to my skin I felt okay for the first time in a while. My demons had been hushed by a silver wand. Soon after though, I came to realize that the silence was not really there. The noise in my head had only been masked by an even louder, albeit happier,