Writing My Way Through Grief
I already have three beautiful baby girls. That have brought me more joy, and tears and tiredness than I could have ever wanted. They are truly the reason I get up and keep pushing through every day. But when I discovered I was pregnant for the fourth time, I felt overwhelmed. I was happy, scared, confused, excited, and wishful.
My husband and I wanted a son. My husband wanted a son to throw a football with in the back yard, and a son to carry on his last name. I wanted a son that would be a mommy’s boy. I have held on to boy nursery things since my very first pregnancy.
For me getting pregnant again was no easy task. After my third baby I went in for my yearly check up at the OBGYN. They found abnormal cells. …show more content…
She said to relax, and asked if I had taken a test, I lied and said that I hadn’t. I was afraid of what she would think, age 25, pregnant with my 4th child. I hate being judged. I know I am judged daily by many. The only person who knew was my Aunt. She would never judge. She would always tell me to keep my head up, and keep moving forward and just pray. My nurse said to just watch the bleeding. And if stays heavy and consistent for longer than a week to call her back.
I finally told my husband that I thought I was having a miscarriage. He really didn’t say a whole lot to me. He just looked sad and it made me feel like I took something so important away from him. Even though I have given him three beautiful daughters, the thought of possibly losing a son was unbearable. It still to this day is unbearable to think about.
A week went by, the bleeding hadn’t stopped. I was passing clot after clot, my body was cramping in ways that I didn’t know my body would cramp. The bleeding stayed unbelievably heavy. I had to call my doctor. I was scared something was terribly wrong. When I talked to him, He was sympathetic and explained that I was almost certainly having a miscarriage. He said they were extremely common, 20% of pregnancies do not go to term, ending in miscarriage, mainly before 12 weeks. Unfortunately, there was little that could be done, he said, other than to let nature run its course. He advised me to get …show more content…
Everyone is different. My husband dealt with his loss his own way as well. He named the baby Shane. He says that it’s because it can be a boy or girl name. And he knows we will see the baby again one day. Maybe that is the silver lining. I am still a mom of 4 beautiful children. Even though I never got to meet one of them. I dealt finally by getting a puppy. She’s absolutely perfect, and we named her Angel. She gives my family love and affection. And is just a beautiful animal. That was by my side on the dark days. I still have dark days. Especially days when my family is out, and people ask, are you going to try for a boy, or are you going to have another child, you guys definitely need a son. It takes everything I have to push the tears back, sometimes I do not succeed. At times I find myself tearing up when I see another baby, or when a friend of mine is announcing their pregnancy. I feel joy for those people, but my heart still swells up with sadness. I am not sure that those feeling will ever completely subside. I am okay with that, I think it means that I am just human.There are days where I wonder what that child may have been like. There are times, where I feel sad. Where I find myself asking God, “WHY”? Then I think I am truly blessed with the wonderful family that he has given us. I am truly blessed, and appreciative of everything I have gone through. It has shaped me into a stronger, more compassionate
I already have three beautiful baby girls. That have brought me more joy, and tears and tiredness than I could have ever wanted. They are truly the reason I get up and keep pushing through every day. But when I discovered I was pregnant for the fourth time, I felt overwhelmed. I was happy, scared, confused, excited, and wishful.
My husband and I wanted a son. My husband wanted a son to throw a football with in the back yard, and a son to carry on his last name. I wanted a son that would be a mommy’s boy. I have held on to boy nursery things since my very first pregnancy.
For me getting pregnant again was no easy task. After my third baby I went in for my yearly check up at the OBGYN. They found abnormal cells. …show more content…
She said to relax, and asked if I had taken a test, I lied and said that I hadn’t. I was afraid of what she would think, age 25, pregnant with my 4th child. I hate being judged. I know I am judged daily by many. The only person who knew was my Aunt. She would never judge. She would always tell me to keep my head up, and keep moving forward and just pray. My nurse said to just watch the bleeding. And if stays heavy and consistent for longer than a week to call her back.
I finally told my husband that I thought I was having a miscarriage. He really didn’t say a whole lot to me. He just looked sad and it made me feel like I took something so important away from him. Even though I have given him three beautiful daughters, the thought of possibly losing a son was unbearable. It still to this day is unbearable to think about.
A week went by, the bleeding hadn’t stopped. I was passing clot after clot, my body was cramping in ways that I didn’t know my body would cramp. The bleeding stayed unbelievably heavy. I had to call my doctor. I was scared something was terribly wrong. When I talked to him, He was sympathetic and explained that I was almost certainly having a miscarriage. He said they were extremely common, 20% of pregnancies do not go to term, ending in miscarriage, mainly before 12 weeks. Unfortunately, there was little that could be done, he said, other than to let nature run its course. He advised me to get …show more content…
Everyone is different. My husband dealt with his loss his own way as well. He named the baby Shane. He says that it’s because it can be a boy or girl name. And he knows we will see the baby again one day. Maybe that is the silver lining. I am still a mom of 4 beautiful children. Even though I never got to meet one of them. I dealt finally by getting a puppy. She’s absolutely perfect, and we named her Angel. She gives my family love and affection. And is just a beautiful animal. That was by my side on the dark days. I still have dark days. Especially days when my family is out, and people ask, are you going to try for a boy, or are you going to have another child, you guys definitely need a son. It takes everything I have to push the tears back, sometimes I do not succeed. At times I find myself tearing up when I see another baby, or when a friend of mine is announcing their pregnancy. I feel joy for those people, but my heart still swells up with sadness. I am not sure that those feeling will ever completely subside. I am okay with that, I think it means that I am just human.There are days where I wonder what that child may have been like. There are times, where I feel sad. Where I find myself asking God, “WHY”? Then I think I am truly blessed with the wonderful family that he has given us. I am truly blessed, and appreciative of everything I have gone through. It has shaped me into a stronger, more compassionate