Susanna knew that they had labelled her with a character disorder, but she was not sure what that meant. She knew that she had done things that made her appear crazy, such as the wrist-banging and swallowing fifty aspirin, however she did not understand how they were able to label her with this illness. While in McLean, she reflects deeply on the hospital’s conclusion on her illness, and her confusion worsens her illness. Throughout the book, Susanna writes about how her self harm became worse, for example, her wrist-scratching returned when she was trying to open up the skin on her hand to look at her bones. She also had many panic attacks, such as when she was at the dentist and became angry that he would not tell her how much time she spent in the dentist’s room. Along with that, she had difficulties with patterns such as grocery store floors and the checkerboard floor at the ice cream parlor that the mental institution patients walk down to together with the nurses. Since Susanna’s illness had worsened, she was forced to spend more time at McLean, eighteen more months. During these eighteen months, Susanna still had not figured out what her illness meant, and it was not until the end of the book that she wrote about how she found out about her character disorder, also known as borderline …show more content…
While Susanna was in high school she had no intention of going to college, which was frowned upon by her peers and family, her family wanted her to attend a very good college and get a good job, and she struggled with her grades. She failed English class because she would never write the essays, she had no interest in the topic they were on and preferred to write poetry instead. Susanna was determined to become a writer once she was older, and had no interest in going to college or having children of her own. At the end of the book Susanna writes about how she decided to apply for jobs once her sentence at McLean was coming to a close. She had only had two jobs in her life, one as a writer in the Harvard billing office and another selling gourmet cookware, and both of these jobs failed, but she wanted to try to plan her future. Susanna was released from McLean once the doctors noticed her applying for jobs and becoming healthier, but soon she realized that getting a job was not easy once people found out that she had spent time in a mental institution. After this realization, she decided she would make a living the way she had planned, by writing. Susanna made a living off of writing literature and giving opinions on the mental health industry and how doctors treat the brain rather than the mind, and to this day she